Hey honey,

Just me checking in to say hello and that I am missing you so-o-o-o much. I know I did not always show it but I am hoping you knew how much I do/did love you and knew I would miss you lots. I am having to start over again and I am not sure how to do it and am hoping you will help me to find my place again in this world and to like it and this world I now have without you.
There are so many things wrong and I am left to deal with them alone, I have the kids but I do not really want to let them have to feel they need to help.
I am going to the hospital to see Jake today and to sign up to be a volunteer. Starting out with one day a week or a few hours on the week-end. Just to feel it out and see if I like it and maybe I will get lucky and get a job there. I also asked for a job at the church today but Fr. Patrick is out of town but I will call him next week. Will keep you posted. Watch over us and keep us under your wing.
All my love,
Me

Dear dad #13

Well... mom and I survived a weekend in  Missouri with Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam. It was really pretty and serene there... and COLD!!!!! It got down to 7 degrees one day. OMG! Thank goodness Pam has a fire place in her house. We were busy from the moment we landed. We went to Silver Dollar City Friday night after landing. We literally landed, got the rental, went to Pam's, and hit the park. It was really pretty there. Lots and lots of Christmas lights everywhere. Saturday morning we got up and went to breakfast then hit College of the Ozarks. It's a free college, but the students have to work while there to earn their tuition. Great place for Felicia we thought. They have an agriculture area. The scenery there was wonderful. Mom and I had our picture taken over looking a valley, it's so peaceful. You can see it in the picture, which is amazing. After that we went to Big Cedar Lodge. OMG.... GORGEOUS!!!! The lodge itself was breathtaking. There was a little coffee shop there we stopped at and then a place to go shopping. They have cabins there for people to rent. We are going to look into it. We then went to dinner at Lambert's, home of the thrown rolls. It was pretty good food. We went back to Pam's and hit the hay. Sunday we woke up to snow!!!!! It wasn't a significant amount of snow, just a little. It was a dry snow it wasn't messy to deal with or drive in. We made breakfast and then went to Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam's cottage. It was a beautiful drive. The cottage however, was rather tiny. But the view was magnificent. It was quite peaceful there. Next we headed to the Dixie Stampede. It was so much fun!!!! Mom and I love horses. We couldn't take pictures inside during the show, but you would have enjoyed it. After that we went home. Monday, me and Jan's birthday, we got up and I think we got breakfast somewhere... oh well. Pam had to prep the house again for being empty, so she dropped me, mom and Uncle Phil off at Bass Pro Shop. It's HUGE!!! It was a neat store. We ate lunch and then headed to the airport. We were instructed to get to the airport 2 hours early by the airline. Well... good thing we did that... out flight ended up being delayed. We sat in that airport from 1pm-12:30 am Missouri time, 1:30 am our time. We didn't nap at all. Thank goodness I had the laptop with me. This airport we were in was a small one and the stores and restaurants closed at 8:30 pm for the day. SO WEIRD!!!! So the airline got us pizza. Mom made a new friend at the gate who lives in Tampa. She decided to have the gate person have the waiting travelers sing happy birthday to me. It was so cool! Something I will never forget. We didn't arrive home until 4:45am. I spent the night with mom and slept for like 3 hours and then went to work. The next two days were so long and I never really caught up on my sleep. I was very emotional too, which was a good thing. I haven't really cried much since the service. It was a good release.

Now it's 5 days until Christmas. I can't believe how this year has flown by. I can honestly say I am not sad to see it end. While good things have happened this year all I can lead with is that you are gone and I miss you so. I know you were with Aaron when he passed his test and that you were celebrating with us, but I know you would have liked to be here with us to enjoy that wonderful moment. You were proud of him and he knew that. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your blessing and your guidance. I hope you are able to pull a few more strings and make a few more things happen. 

Love you papa!!! Miss you TONS!!!!

Well

I don't know what you did, but thank you! Aaron passed his medic test and is now a state certified paramedic. YES!!!!!!!!!! Wish you could be here to celebrate with us. I am sure you are celebrating wherever you are!

Love and miss you bunches daddy!

daddy...

please help Aaron today!

Thank you!

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be,

So he put his arms around you

and whispered "Come to Me".

With tearful eyes we watched you,

as we saw you pass away.

Although we loved you deeply,

we could not make you stay.

Your Golden Heart stopped beating,

hard working hands at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best.

dear dad #11

i feel like a bad daughter. i haven't been here in a while. it's not for lack of thinking about you, but more so for not having anything new to say. not a day passes that you don't enter my mind. lately in the mornings is when i remember most those last few moments we had with you. i try to cherish them and remember every detail because i fear that one day in the not too distant future these precious details will be gone. i don't think this is morbid, though some people may, i feel like it's a way for me to reach out to you and try and remember what you said, how you looked and every detail. i often see your face as you called me doll baby for a final time and kissed me goodbye. that stays with me pretty good. so does the smile you had on your face. it's such a comfort to me knowing that you were not in pain and that you didn't suffer. perhaps i have stayed away, because i can't really bring myself to think about the fact that you are gone. if i think about it that makes it real and then i feel like this tender thread that is holding me together is about to tear and i am going to crumble to pieces. my heart hurts as i type this and i really feel like i lost a piece of myself and who i am. when i do come here and talk to you it helps me to cry... i haven't cried much lately and that i fear is because i have not allowed myself to. i keep it locked up tight and only cry when prompted. it feels good to let out the emotion, although at times when i start i tend to stop just as quick. i don't want to lose it completely. and that scares me... you can't really be gone... it can't be real... it's just not fair.

Morning Pal

Well dad, you and I have been walking for about 18 days now. Mom gave me your old sneakers and I have been walking in them. This way we can walk together. Once I started walking, I began posting on Twitter and Facebook each day that I walk. Well, after a few days of walking in my old sneakers, mom gave me the ones you had, so I decided to walk in them so that you could be with me in another way; and have been doing it every since.

OK, time to get ready for work.

Love you pal.

Dear Dad (#10)

So as phil mentioned this was our first thanksgiving without you here. very surreal. as usual i expected you to just appear as if from no where. i know you aren't here and that you aren't coming back, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. 

i was pretty good today until dinner time approached. it occurred to me that you would not be taking your usual place at the head of the table. that seemed to be when it sank in a little more. i could see you clear as day and almost hear your voice too. 

i spent the night last night and when i got up i told mom that i had a vision of you and i in your kitchen cooking meatballs. you were in your chair and i was standing at the stove and we were discussing the meatballs. it was very vivid and realistic. but then i wake up and the reality sets in again and i feel like someone has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. 

i love you and miss you so much! hope you are resting peacefully!

Happy Thanksgiving Pal

Good morning dad. Well, here we go. Our first Thanksgiving without you here. This will be a tough time today. Please send mom some good things to think about today. She has been wanting to hear your voice; so if you could send down mom some good memories to make this day as bearable as possible for her and us it would be appreciated.

Well I went out today for the 14th day of walking. While 14 days may not seem like a lot, for me this is very good. The last few days I have been walking with my neighbor, which has made the walk go so much faster.

On our walk today I ran into Patty Burch and of course she was asking about mom and how the family was doing. She told us the story of the one time she was in the hospital and you brought her an 8 foot hoagie on a gurney. that would have been funny to see. An 8 foot hoagie on a gurney making its way through the hospital hallways had to be amusing to see. I hope to hear more stories like that; you had such pleasure doing those types of things for people.

I imagined I saw you the other day driving on North Cattle Ridge Drive. A car was making a turn and it just looked like a scene I have seen you in before.

Well pal, you will be missed today even more. I am thankful you brought me into this life and have provided me guidance and teaching on the things you felt were important to you.

Love you pal and am thankful for the many good times we had together.

dear dad #9

Hey there Papa! It's been a while since I have been here, I know. I just feel like a lot of what I would have said, would have been repetitive. It's been almost 2 months now and not much has changed. It seems as though I have days where I think about you more then others. But generally not a day goes by that I don't think about you or wanting to call you or hug you. 

As the holidays approach I find myself tormented between being excited and extremely sad. It's hard to be so happy and so upset at the same time. It's definitely going to be a challenge.

I was talking to mom earlier and mentioned that I feel like I have lost my connection to you. At first it felt like I had to talk to you everyday... and now...not so much. That bothers me. I don't want to lose that connection. Then when I sit here typing and "talking" my head goes blank. I wonder, too, if I am starting to get mad at you. I don't want to be mad at you, but I understand that it's part of the process. I know you are sorry for a lot, if not all, of your bad decisions and the strain you put on the family, I know you are, and I guess I feel bad being mad at you when I know that you are sorry. What is unfortunate, is that you really can't make it up to us now.

I have been meaning to get on here and tell you about the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. It was fabulous! You would have enjoyed it. Aaron and I are taking mom next year. SO EXCITED. 

HAve to get my day started now daddy! I love you!!! 

Morning Dad

Hey pal, welcome to a cool Sunday morning. I am out on the back porch with the computer, my coffee and the cool air. It feels great.

Well dad, Cin convinced the family to paint yesterday. Oh boy. Cin and I went to Home Depot and you could tell it was going to happen because we found a paint within 5 minutes. As you know, we never make decisions that quickly.

So after our trip to HD was over, we came home and began moving furniture. "Holy crap this is going to happen." I had to go back to HD to get some molding and wood to fix our corners. when i cam back cin and the girls have already started trimming. "wow, she was serious." so then we painted. From about 3 until about 7:30. We got most of the great room done, except for the trimming at the top. We have to go back and get more paint.

Now I have to decide, am I going to walk first or ride my bike to Publix to buy the newspapers. Or walk and then on our way to HD go to Publix for the newspapers. Such choices.

Ok pal, I am going to go now. Hope you are doing OK. we miss you here. You left us too soon.

Love you.

Phil

Morning Pal

Hey dad. Are you doing OK hanging with your friends in heaven? You are missed a lot down here. Each day that passes, the empty feeling continues, as it should, and materializes at odd times. For example, I had a softball game Monday night. I asked mom to come to it. She had thought about it and said maybe; she wasn't sure since Christopher was coming over. But as the game was starting, here comes mom and Christopher. And for some reason, at that point, I felt her being alone. don't know why it hit me then, but that is how I felt at that moment. Mom was fine, she was upbeat and happy, you know in the moment. So she did not give off any indication that she was feeling bad. But I guess I took that one snapshot, her coming on a last second whim, to symbolizing being alone. Since she did not need to tend to you, she could just come when and if she desired. That was just a feeling I wanted to share.

Speaking of the the game. We were playing in the end of the year tournament. We had one win and one loss. if we loss the first game, the one mom attended, we were out of the tournament. We won and got to play a second game. we would be playing the team that was undefeated. In order for us to win the tournament, we would have to beat them twice. Well, on a very cold Monday night, we fell short. The game ended before we could get our last at-bats.

We played on the field you last saw me play a game on. I will never forget you sitting in your chair by the stands watching the game. That is the game I was able to get an inside the part home run, well that is what we would like to call it; but in the real score book it was a three base error. But we will take it. Anyway, I will know that is the field I played on for the last time you saw me. And I am so glad you did.

OK Pal, thanks for listening. Love you.

Phil

Good morning Pal

Well dad it has been over a month now that you have been gone from us. And you know, it still feels odd. We watched you pass and heard your last words spoken to us. But I guess, like most of the family, you are still in the hospital or at the consulate rehabbing. But those thoughts last for a few moments and then we remember. So now we must fully transition to life without you and begin to understand and grasp what that truly means.

What does it mean?
it means never listening to you tell all of those jokes which were intended to brighten out day
it means not having a voice to our past to link our children to your parents and grandparents
it means not hearing you ask mom to make you a cup of coffee
it means never having 5:30 wake up calls from the hospital;
it means never hearing your sarcasm--that we came to love and expect after all of those years
it means not being able to take you for a steak sandwich or to ever learn pinochle--all though you did try. sorry I couldn't learn it
it means not seeing your smart ass looking grin
it means no more pain for you but pain and grief for us.
And it means so much more that we haven't been able to truly grasp.

Love and miss you pal

Dear Dad (#8)

Hey there papa!

Well, it's finally November. So glad to see October end! This has been the longest month ever.... it's been a month? WOW! I can't believe it. Time has managed to lose it's definition of late. The days run together and the hours drag on. it's painful how slow the days seem at times. While I am always dreading the passing of time, and wish things would slow down, this is not what I imagined. The work week drags, but the weekends are a blur. Could you please do something about that?!? HA HA!!

So I got to marry a couple on Sunday. It was so nice and special. I was so flattered to be apart of their special day. They are such a cute family now!

Next week I will be on vacation...much needed. I haven't stopped. I am soooo excited. Aaron and I and some friends are going to Disney, again, this Saturday and Sunday. We are mainly going for the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival. I am so looking forward to sampling some of the yummy foods. I was so hoping that this was something I would have been able to share with you at some point. I think you and mom would enjoy it. We will scope it out this year and try to take mom next year. Meanwhile, the prices for Disney have gotten SO expensive... can you do something about that too please?!? hee hee 

So, lately there have been days when I can't hear your voice or see your face like I was able to at first. That scares me. I don't want to forget you, ever, but especially not now...it's too soon. At times it seems like I am trying too hard and maybe that is why I can't remember. I have told mom that same thing. I also feel like I haven't grieved for you yet. I keep waiting and expecting this moment to just hit me and I will actually start "feeling" that you have left us. The truth is that I haven't cried much. I cried in your hospital room as I watched you take your last breath and then when we all consoled each other, but since then, not too much. It's bothering me. I know that people grieve differently but frankly I don't like the way I do it. I do get emotional when I write things and/or say them out loud. Then it becomes more real. I have this memory of how I felt after you lost your left leg...I remember how guilty I felt with every step that I took, because you wouldn't be able to do that again. Now I have that some feeling when I do things that you are no longer able to do, or do things that you will never get to do. There is so much you missed out on...the cruise, being able to walk again, being pain free.... That right there kills me... you were out of pain and you didn't get to enjoy it. That breaks my heart! I know how much pain you were in and I know you aren't in any pain now, but you aren't here to live and experience life. 

I can't get this feeling that you are in the hospital to waiver. Whenever I think of you, I just think, "Oh he is in the hospital...". But I haven't called you or visited you... I did find a visitors sticker on a notebook of mine from this last trip to the hospital....I so wish there was a way I could turn back time and tell you all the things I feel like saying. But I can't. There are no time machines. I can't go back and try to fix you. 

I miss hearing your voice on the phone when I call the house. It's like I expect it at times. It's strange. And lately when I go over there, I keep wanting to ask mom where you are... I have to catch myself, because it's ALWAYS on the tip of my tongue.  

I feel like I could go on and on today, but I need to get some work done. 

I LOVE AND MISS YOU BUNCHES!
Alicia

Well honey,
It is me again, I am missing you so much, I have had company all week and it was nice and I would go out and just feel like I needed to tell you about it but you are not there. Like tonight I went to St. Armand's Circle and it was for Halloween and it was very nice. SHS did a take-off of "Thriller" and they did a pretty nice job, but you were not here to tell about it, as you usually are I cannot believe it yet
Jamie is coming tomorrow and I know how much you would have loved to see him and Anita and visit with them, so I am feeling kind of guilty about it. Feeling like I should not be visiting because you are not here. You left me and I am angry with you and so disappointed with how you did it. So quickly, so fast!!I really never saw it coming.

I hope you are at peace and with all your friends, more of them there than here. You are free at last!! Watch over the kids and help them get through this. They are having a hard time and I hope you will help me too. I am really having a hard time and am sometimes numb. Also help Philip get some sleep tonight he needs his rest. Help Jan also .

Good night honey,
Love me

Waking Me Up

Hey Pal. I know I am not waking you up, but you sure do that at times. There are nights when I can sleep all the way through, which is fine. And then there are days like tonight when you pop in my head and I cannot go back to sleep. Actually tonight I probably could, I am that tired. But I wanted to type to you this time.

You know, sitting at your house tonight, I just had the image of you coming around the corner in the cart. I haven't gotten a call from you of late or a racy email, and it feels so strange.

You left us too early dad. There are going to be so many times in the future, when we reflect back on our time with you and know we hadn't done enough with you or for you; you know to help you solve your physical and emotional problems. There was so much more we needed to do dad. So much more too talk about. I am sorry I didn't do as much with you as I should have. Sorry I didn't come over and just watch a movie with you. I am sorry I didn't come and take you out of the house for rides from time to time. I am sorry I didn't call that much. I am sorry I didn't see you that much your last days in the hospital. So therefore, I am sorry for making you hurt, because you knew all of this. That seems to be my mode at times dad; to see missed opportunities right when they become missed opportunities.

Love you pal and do miss you. Keep looking out for mom from your new perch.

Phil

gum

So I was enjoying a piece of gum yesterday and as I was blowing bubbles and "cracking" my gum, I was reminded how much you LOVED when we used to do that.... and I instinctively would stop... Ha ha!!! Every crack of my gum will remind me of you, random tidbit for the day! 

Love you pops!

Dear Dad (#7)

Morning Dad! 

Well yesterday was a weird day. Mom had a rough morning...she said she wasn't sure what started it, but I felt bad. Then she had to go to work and deal with Mr. Pleasant himself... OY! 

So Tuesday night I took a Super B complex vitamin and I think it made me a little wacky yesterday. I felt like I was on this high most of the day. Of course, when I would slow down or stop you would pop back into my head. Yesterday I was thinking about the last time I full on hugged you. I don't remember it. I remember half hugging you when we found out they were going to take the left leg, but that's all I can remember out of the hospital. I am so craving a physical connection from you. I had music playing at work and some songs would come on and it would make me think how nice it would have been to dance with you. And I could even imagine it. Then I am reminded that we can't dance together, ever again. You are gone now and I have been robbed. I was so waiting and hoping and praying that you would give me away. And I was so looking forward to dancing with you at my wedding. It would have meant so much to me and I know it would have meant a lot to you. After EVERYTHING you had been through, we had been through, it would have been such an awesome moment. I know you will be there with me... in spirit, but I am selfish and would prefer to have you here in person. 

It angers me that I was robbed, that you were robbed, that we, this family was robbed. There were so many more memories to create with you.... The holidays are coming and they are drenched with bittersweetness. I so love this time of the year, but now it will hold a different emotion, a different sensation about it. It will drip with longing and regrets. It will be a jovial time, of course, but we will always have you in our hearts and minds wishing that you were there too, to enjoy the festivities and be with the family. 

Okay... I think that is all I have in me for now... I shall return! 

Love,

Alicia

Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest" (dear dad #6)

So dad, this is a rock song that makes me think of you. The lyrics struck me and I have always thought of you whenever I heard this song. It is one of my favorites. I truly believe that the lyrics are something you would say if you knew how to say it....

"Leave Out All The Rest"

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shed but I made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

I truly believe that each of us, people in general, are flawed. We are not perfect. But when our time comes it's not important to focus on all of the bad things we may have done.... it's important to focus on the good things and the positive memories and remember that no matter what, good or bad, people deserve to be loved and accepted.

I love you dad and miss you EVERYDAY!!!! 

love,

alicia

dear dad (#5)

hey papa. 

so phil and i went to barnes and noble Saturday and then i went to borders and was looking at some books on grieving for children who have lost parents. it was interesting some of the things that the book was saying and how accurate it was. the book said that children look at parents as being immortal. Once one of them dies it makes you realize your own mortality. It's so true, so accurate. I have always known that people die, but it's one of those things that you think happens to other people, not to me, not to us! And now it has happened, and I can't understand it. There is such disbelief.... I can't grasp it.... mom can't grasp it.... it isn't real. We keep expecting you to just show up in the house, to just scoot by on your chair.... it's just surreal that you aren't here. Your presence is felt so much stronger for me at the house. If I am not there, then I don't "feel" you around. When I am at my house I seem to not think about it as much, but then I do and it feels like a dream. When I go to mom's the reality smacks me in the face. It's so hard... so mind boggling. I look at pictures of you and think to myself that it can't be true... you are right there in the picture, and it wasn't that long ago, how can you be there one minute and gone the next. I do not understand. 


Now more then ever I wish there was a rewind button so that I could see you again... and hug you! 


love you papa!
Alicia

Hey honey this is new for me so bear with me. I am missing you so much. Some days I cannot see your face and others I just want to hear your voice so bad. I hope that it was nothing that I did that ended your time here on earth. I really tried to help and to take good care of you, but now I sit and wonder if there was something that I could have done differently. Did I miss something, Not see something, but then I think I had you to every doctor in the month of September.
Oh well Frani is here this week and it has been rough. Do not know if it is me or just the time. My emotions are all over the place. I sometimes feel that I am not mourning enough and others I just want to sit and cry. I still am waiting for a phone call at some point during the day. I am still waiting to see you in the drive way. I just feel like it is a dream and I will wake up and you will be there, Please help me and the kids to get through this nightmare that we are going through. I love and miss you and wish I had been a more affectionate wife to you. I tried in other ways to show I loved you and I hope you know that.
I love you and your wit and all your effort to make me smile/laugh. You got such a kick out of that. I just cannot pfantom the rest of my life without YOU!!
Love Me

poem

so this is a poem that i started before the service that i forgot about.... i have so many little phrases that i started all over the place. i like this one a lot actually because it seems to sum up how i feel lately... 


time drags slowly
days meld into one
memories flood my mind
wish i could record every one
i hear your voice and 
see your face
wish i could recall every word
every trace


who knows, maybe i will add to it. 

guilt

i feel guilty when i go about my day and get so wrapped up in what i am doing that you escape my mind for a while. then when i stop it all comes back and i remember that you are gone. 

i feel guilty that i can go out and about and have fun, but you can't. 

i feel guilty that i didn't get married sooner.... 

i feel guilty that i didn't start a family sooner too.... 

i feel guilty that i seem to have so much to say to you now, when you aren't here to hear it...

i am sorry i cheated you and myself as well 

Telling People

Yesterday I received an email at work from a friend who inquired as to whether or not the obituary they had read in the paper for Charles E. Puzzanchera with a daughter named Alicia was in fact my father. Part of me wanted to say, Well how many Puzzanchera's do you know that have a daughter named Alicia, but I restrained myself.

The concept of calling people to tell them you passed away was so weird to me. I mean we called people we have spoken to in a while, at least not that I was aware of, to notify them that you had left us. It's a weird conversation to have. And now that things are starting to settle and life is moving on, slowly, I am sure that when I encounter people who knew you were struggling with the infections will ask about you and I will have to explain that you have passed away. The one woman I spoke to was shocked. She didn't realize just how sick you were. And most people I encounter from now on, I am sure, will have the same reaction. 

It is going to be odd telling people as time goes on... yet in the same breath, I feel like the more I say it, the more it will help me come to terms with your death. 

Bye for now, I am sure I will be back real soon! 

Love,

Alicia

Waking Me Up

Hey Pal. Many people at work have come over to offer their condolences for your passing. And for some reason, today I mentioned how you woke me up again. It seems of late, to the surprise of no one, that I am not sleeping through the night. Since you have passed, there have been many nights where I will wake up and think about you, or something you have said or that you did. I have been sending text messages to my email so I will not forget what comes to mind. I would agree with Alicia, that typing my thoughts out either in a text message or an email, is very therapeutic.

I hope you know when you left us you were loved and appreciated, but frustrating all at the same time. My emotion at this time is that we could have done more together and we did not. I will look back with a lot of regret knowing I did not visit enough or call often enough. Therefore, I will view those early morning wake-ups as your way of making sure we are thinking of each other.

As you were laying in the ICU room, in the last few hours, I walked over and told you I loved you. I know you heard me; I needed to know that through everything I did love you and was always hoping you could end your pain--both physical and emotional. The emotional part was not always discussed, but if we think back we can see you suffering through the pain of the moments of your past you wished did not happen. So when I think of you in heaven now, I know you are no longer in any type of pain. And that is the part that makes me happy and sad at the same time.

With love and appreciation.

Phil

Dead Dad (#4)

Good Afternoon! :) 

Well, for some reason I had a hard day yesterday. Nothing outwardly affected me, but my brain started it all. 

Lately, for obvious reasons, I have been reliving the last time I had any alone time with you. It was the Saturday before you passed away. I came to visit for a little while before going out with Aaron to North Port, to look at that house, remember? I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember talking about your stumps. I remember you telling me something about your left stump but I am not sure what it was exactly. I remember asking you if it was shorter then you expected, so you may have told me that you saw it or talked to Nestor about it, I wish I knew... Anyway, when I asked you that question, you reached down to both stumps, one hand on each, and said "no one expects this" and you teared up. I remember moving the table out of the way to come closer to the bed and putting my hand on your arm and apologizing and crying with you! No matter what has happened, no one deserves to lose both of their legs... Yes you made mistakes, but who hasn't? 

What's eerie is that I can see your face from that day so clearly. It's like I can reach out and touch it. But I can't.... 

I remember you telling me that I looked good that day, and I happen to remember what I was wearing... a purple shirt and a black skirt. (I am so weird) 

Sadly this was the same day that I had my little panic attack and almost fainted after they changed your bandage. EEP! That is not something that I want to relive. Mom came up shortly after and we chatted for a bit, but I was running late and had to head out. I am so sorry I didn't stay longer. I wish that I would have known in some way that was going to be the last time I could really talk to you. There is SO much I would have said. So much....

Hopefully I will be able to do that here a little bit as much as I can. As crazy as it sounds doing this helps me... it gets it out and I feel like I can grieve more. I need to grieve, because I feel like I am holding it all in and like I will just blow up one day. 

love and miss you every day!!! 

your daughter
:)

Dear Dad (#3)

Today is your birthday. It was weird not having a cake or anything.... 

I took the day off today from work so I could spend time with mom, I knew it would be a hard day. All the family is gone and after all it's your birthday, and well you aren't here. We ran errands, she got her passport (YAY!!!) and had lunch with Phil and Aaron. We went to the hospital today too. That was weird.... Going there, not to visit you, but to drop off flowers from your service to the nurses at the 4th floor nurses station. It was so weird. So surreal... I haven't stepped foot in that hospital since you passed away. Mom had to tell the Mackenzie's, who volunteer at Doctor's Hospital, about your passing. That was hard. They shared with us a story from their recent trip out west. The Mackenzie's went to a hot air balloon trip and were confronted about why it is that they volunteer at the hospital, and they proceeded to tell these people about you!! You are the reason that they volunteer... so sweet and nice to hear.

Everyone came over for dinner tonight. It's so nice to have everyone here....wish you and Charles could have been here and that would have made it complete. 

Needless to say from now on, every year on your birthday it's going to be odd to not celebrate your birthday. I would like to come up with some sort of tradition that we do for you on your birthday with mom and the family. We'll see.... 

I know you know this, but I love you and miss you lots and lots!! 

Love,

Alicia

Game time

Hey Pal. I was heading out to my softball game tonight and was thinking about the last game you came to see me play. I actually had a good game that night. I think I may had three hits, with one being an inside the park home run. Actually, the guy in center missed the ball, but I had to run ALL the way around the bases nonetheless. Tonight was my first game since you had passed and it was tough not thinking of you while I was out there. you came to mind so often. Our team was not victorious tonight. We lost 23-16 to the best team in our league. we made a run at them, but it was over really from the start. They just kept crushing the ball. As for me, I did have two hits. I can here you say "all right" as I type this. Knew you would be proud. Take care my pal. I will keep in touch.

Phil

Dear Dad (#2)

Good Morning! 

Well Aaron and I went and looked at that house in North Port yesterday. It's a nice house. Good size and a lot of potential. I just wish it wasn't so far from everyone, especially now. I think you and mom would like it. I would like to take mom down there for her to see it, but I am torn about the idea of moving that far away now. It's harder to even think about being that far away from her and everyone. While I would hate for the house to slip through our fingers I can't help but feel not moving right now is the best thing to do. It's not about the money, it's about family. I mean it's only 45 mins or so away, but right now that feels like an eternity. The area is great. It's up and coming and has so much potential. We are close to 2 sets of couple friends, so that would be nice. But .... how do I move away right now? Not to mention that I don't love my job enough to commute.... and what sense does it make to move down there when so much of our life is still here in Sarasota? I don't know what the right thing is to do. I wish you could have seen the house. I think you would have liked it. It was hard walking through there yesterday and not thinking of all of these things that I would have asked you about the structure and the kitchen and all that... I am sad that I won't get to share the experience of my first house with you. I know you would have enjoyed it. I am sure you are watching over me though and will have a guiding hand when the time is right. 

I love you papa and miss you everyday!! <3

Dear Dad (#1)

I started this blog as a way to talk to you. To tell you that I miss you and love you. Though you have been gone only a short while, it feels like an eternity. I can't believe that you are no longer here and that we won't get to hear your voice, crack up at your inappropriate albeit hilarious jokes, get a hug (because when you hugged someone, they knew it!) or just be in your presence. You made light of things you were dealing with and always tried to make people smile and laugh. Not a day will go by that I will not think of you and wish that we had more time. 

I love you and miss you bunches papa!!! 

Love, Alicia