i feel like a bad daughter. i haven't been here in a while. it's not for lack of thinking about you, but more so for not having anything new to say. not a day passes that you don't enter my mind. lately in the mornings is when i remember most those last few moments we had with you. i try to cherish them and remember every detail because i fear that one day in the not too distant future these precious details will be gone. i don't think this is morbid, though some people may, i feel like it's a way for me to reach out to you and try and remember what you said, how you looked and every detail. i often see your face as you called me doll baby for a final time and kissed me goodbye. that stays with me pretty good. so does the smile you had on your face. it's such a comfort to me knowing that you were not in pain and that you didn't suffer. perhaps i have stayed away, because i can't really bring myself to think about the fact that you are gone. if i think about it that makes it real and then i feel like this tender thread that is holding me together is about to tear and i am going to crumble to pieces. my heart hurts as i type this and i really feel like i lost a piece of myself and who i am. when i do come here and talk to you it helps me to cry... i haven't cried much lately and that i fear is because i have not allowed myself to. i keep it locked up tight and only cry when prompted. it feels good to let out the emotion, although at times when i start i tend to stop just as quick. i don't want to lose it completely. and that scares me... you can't really be gone... it can't be real... it's just not fair.
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