i miss you

i would really love to hear your voice right now, see your face and your smile

i am feeling so lost

i can't believe you are gone... i see you so clearly sometimes, it's surreal.

i could really use a hug from you...

i love you daddy!!!

please help me find my way...

good luck

Dear Alicia,
Yes you will have some roads ahead of you and you have been dealt a "not so good hand" but if anyone can handle this challenge you can. I want you to remember that we are all here for you and behind you and will help in any way we can. Hopefully this New Year will bring you a lot more success than last year did and hopefully this "gluten-free" diet will be the key.
Good luck and lots of success to you in your journey to new found health and also to your challenge of school. This year you will become . healthier, smarter and hopefully more informed about your auto immune condition and will have a better handle on it.

Good Luck,
Love, mom

sad news

today we found out that tommy lillo passed away. he was home all alone when he passed in his sleep. it's hard to be able to console right now when i find myself still grieving. his death reopens slowly healing wounds that are still so very close to the surface. i know that i should call susan and try to talk to her, but the truth is i can't bring myself to do it. it's a common bound that i am not ready to share with anyone outside the family.

i feel bad that she didn't get to hear his last words or see him take his last breath.

i feel bad that she wasn't able to hug or kiss him goodbye. in that regard i was very lucky. we were very lucky.

our dance

daddy:

I was so looking forward to dancing with you to this song at my wedding. 

when that day comes, you will be with me. each step i take on the dance floor, you will be there. 

i love and miss you.

me

Father's Day

Hey dad. Happy Father's Day. Well, today is the our first father's day without you around. And as we get closer to going to mom's for dinner, the more real the void becomes. I wonder if the pain I feel when I think of you, is that I am not sure we ever really established the type of relationship I wanted to have with my dad. Granted, I now know the mistake I made of not capitalizing on the type of relationship we could have had. We could have sat and watched movies together, football, golf, game shows or just watched anything that came on. Simply, you would watch anything that came on TV. And as each passes by, I know I also missed an opportunity to be with you in some way; I missed an opportunity to develop a better relationship; I missed an opportunity to get to know you better; essentially, I just missed out.

It is at time painful moving forward knowing I cannot get a second chance with you. It does hurt, when I do think about it.

i am actually editing this post, almost 6 weeks later, so i am not sure how I was feeling at that moment when I first start this dad. But i do know, there are many times of late, when I think of you and not in the negative frustrating ways I have. But in the way I could have thought of you--my dad. The man responsible for bringing me into this world, whose has a past and had a life, both I wish I knew more about.

Take care dad. Love you Pal.

there is so much i wish i could remember. i wish i could remember the last thing you said more clearly.  your words are there but they are not clear and not in the right order. i wish i could remember all your advice. i have been trying so hard to remember what you would say to me about things and i can't grab onto anything. i remember you telling me how proud you are of me for losing the weight, i remember you calling me the week before you died asking me to call you more, i remember arriving at your bed side in the hospital that fateful morning and you calling me babe for the last time... i remember the moment you took your last breath and i remember giving you a kiss goodbye. why can i only remember the painful things right now? why can't i remember the more positive and fun things? things we did together, places we went or conversations we had... i feel so robbed of memories. 

i remember how the world felt different that morning as well left the hospital... without you. i remember going through the motions and crying when i would drive home. i remember sitting at the dining room table making decisions about your obituary and your final resting place. i remember arranging for your service, picking out your favorite music, songs that meant something to you and mom... i remember countless tears mom left on my shoulder when she just needed to cry... i remember sharing thoughts and feelings and ugly truths... 

what i wouldn't give to remember a childhood memory of you and me. 

it breaks my heart that i have no real pictures of us together. it breaks my heart more, that i thought that was normal. i listen to friends talk about their memories of their fathers and i feel robbed. i was robbed of memories, of experiences with you. not just now, but from my childhood. i will never understand why we weren't put first... 

i am disappointed that things weren't different. i am disappointed that you didn't think enough about your future, mom's future, and your children's future to take better care of yourself. as i learn more and more about the health issues that i have, the more i learn about yours too. and the more frustrated i get that you didn't take better care of yourself. you could have prevented this untimely mess that you have left us to deal with. you could have prevented making mom a widow and your kids members of the dead dad club. i don't know how you didn't think enough of us to not do that... why weren't we worth it? we should have been enough of a reason for you to better yourself... for your to care about what happened to you and what happened to your body. you didn't think and that is so frustrating because you were a smart man. 

despite your flaws... i will always love you. you are my father, flaws and all. i have learned from you and i am here because of you.

i love you and miss you terribly daddy.

Today marks 8 months. Eight months of missed memories. Eight months of missing your laugh, your advice, the sound of your voice and the warmth of your hugs. As time goes on you get further away but I cling desperately to the lingering memories of your hearty laugh. Now that Aaron and I are doing so much around the house I really wish I could channel you. There is so much we could learn from you!

I miss you and love you lots Papa Bear!! xoxo