there is so much i wish i could remember. i wish i could remember the last thing you said more clearly.  your words are there but they are not clear and not in the right order. i wish i could remember all your advice. i have been trying so hard to remember what you would say to me about things and i can't grab onto anything. i remember you telling me how proud you are of me for losing the weight, i remember you calling me the week before you died asking me to call you more, i remember arriving at your bed side in the hospital that fateful morning and you calling me babe for the last time... i remember the moment you took your last breath and i remember giving you a kiss goodbye. why can i only remember the painful things right now? why can't i remember the more positive and fun things? things we did together, places we went or conversations we had... i feel so robbed of memories. 

i remember how the world felt different that morning as well left the hospital... without you. i remember going through the motions and crying when i would drive home. i remember sitting at the dining room table making decisions about your obituary and your final resting place. i remember arranging for your service, picking out your favorite music, songs that meant something to you and mom... i remember countless tears mom left on my shoulder when she just needed to cry... i remember sharing thoughts and feelings and ugly truths... 

what i wouldn't give to remember a childhood memory of you and me. 

it breaks my heart that i have no real pictures of us together. it breaks my heart more, that i thought that was normal. i listen to friends talk about their memories of their fathers and i feel robbed. i was robbed of memories, of experiences with you. not just now, but from my childhood. i will never understand why we weren't put first... 

i am disappointed that things weren't different. i am disappointed that you didn't think enough about your future, mom's future, and your children's future to take better care of yourself. as i learn more and more about the health issues that i have, the more i learn about yours too. and the more frustrated i get that you didn't take better care of yourself. you could have prevented this untimely mess that you have left us to deal with. you could have prevented making mom a widow and your kids members of the dead dad club. i don't know how you didn't think enough of us to not do that... why weren't we worth it? we should have been enough of a reason for you to better yourself... for your to care about what happened to you and what happened to your body. you didn't think and that is so frustrating because you were a smart man. 

despite your flaws... i will always love you. you are my father, flaws and all. i have learned from you and i am here because of you.

i love you and miss you terribly daddy.