Dear Dad (#8)

Hey there papa!

Well, it's finally November. So glad to see October end! This has been the longest month ever.... it's been a month? WOW! I can't believe it. Time has managed to lose it's definition of late. The days run together and the hours drag on. it's painful how slow the days seem at times. While I am always dreading the passing of time, and wish things would slow down, this is not what I imagined. The work week drags, but the weekends are a blur. Could you please do something about that?!? HA HA!!

So I got to marry a couple on Sunday. It was so nice and special. I was so flattered to be apart of their special day. They are such a cute family now!

Next week I will be on vacation...much needed. I haven't stopped. I am soooo excited. Aaron and I and some friends are going to Disney, again, this Saturday and Sunday. We are mainly going for the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival. I am so looking forward to sampling some of the yummy foods. I was so hoping that this was something I would have been able to share with you at some point. I think you and mom would enjoy it. We will scope it out this year and try to take mom next year. Meanwhile, the prices for Disney have gotten SO expensive... can you do something about that too please?!? hee hee 

So, lately there have been days when I can't hear your voice or see your face like I was able to at first. That scares me. I don't want to forget you, ever, but especially not now...it's too soon. At times it seems like I am trying too hard and maybe that is why I can't remember. I have told mom that same thing. I also feel like I haven't grieved for you yet. I keep waiting and expecting this moment to just hit me and I will actually start "feeling" that you have left us. The truth is that I haven't cried much. I cried in your hospital room as I watched you take your last breath and then when we all consoled each other, but since then, not too much. It's bothering me. I know that people grieve differently but frankly I don't like the way I do it. I do get emotional when I write things and/or say them out loud. Then it becomes more real. I have this memory of how I felt after you lost your left leg...I remember how guilty I felt with every step that I took, because you wouldn't be able to do that again. Now I have that some feeling when I do things that you are no longer able to do, or do things that you will never get to do. There is so much you missed out on...the cruise, being able to walk again, being pain free.... That right there kills me... you were out of pain and you didn't get to enjoy it. That breaks my heart! I know how much pain you were in and I know you aren't in any pain now, but you aren't here to live and experience life. 

I can't get this feeling that you are in the hospital to waiver. Whenever I think of you, I just think, "Oh he is in the hospital...". But I haven't called you or visited you... I did find a visitors sticker on a notebook of mine from this last trip to the hospital....I so wish there was a way I could turn back time and tell you all the things I feel like saying. But I can't. There are no time machines. I can't go back and try to fix you. 

I miss hearing your voice on the phone when I call the house. It's like I expect it at times. It's strange. And lately when I go over there, I keep wanting to ask mom where you are... I have to catch myself, because it's ALWAYS on the tip of my tongue.  

I feel like I could go on and on today, but I need to get some work done. 

I LOVE AND MISS YOU BUNCHES!
Alicia