Dead Dad (#4)

Good Afternoon! :) 

Well, for some reason I had a hard day yesterday. Nothing outwardly affected me, but my brain started it all. 

Lately, for obvious reasons, I have been reliving the last time I had any alone time with you. It was the Saturday before you passed away. I came to visit for a little while before going out with Aaron to North Port, to look at that house, remember? I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember talking about your stumps. I remember you telling me something about your left stump but I am not sure what it was exactly. I remember asking you if it was shorter then you expected, so you may have told me that you saw it or talked to Nestor about it, I wish I knew... Anyway, when I asked you that question, you reached down to both stumps, one hand on each, and said "no one expects this" and you teared up. I remember moving the table out of the way to come closer to the bed and putting my hand on your arm and apologizing and crying with you! No matter what has happened, no one deserves to lose both of their legs... Yes you made mistakes, but who hasn't? 

What's eerie is that I can see your face from that day so clearly. It's like I can reach out and touch it. But I can't.... 

I remember you telling me that I looked good that day, and I happen to remember what I was wearing... a purple shirt and a black skirt. (I am so weird) 

Sadly this was the same day that I had my little panic attack and almost fainted after they changed your bandage. EEP! That is not something that I want to relive. Mom came up shortly after and we chatted for a bit, but I was running late and had to head out. I am so sorry I didn't stay longer. I wish that I would have known in some way that was going to be the last time I could really talk to you. There is SO much I would have said. So much....

Hopefully I will be able to do that here a little bit as much as I can. As crazy as it sounds doing this helps me... it gets it out and I feel like I can grieve more. I need to grieve, because I feel like I am holding it all in and like I will just blow up one day. 

love and miss you every day!!! 

your daughter
:)