dear dad (#5)

hey papa. 

so phil and i went to barnes and noble Saturday and then i went to borders and was looking at some books on grieving for children who have lost parents. it was interesting some of the things that the book was saying and how accurate it was. the book said that children look at parents as being immortal. Once one of them dies it makes you realize your own mortality. It's so true, so accurate. I have always known that people die, but it's one of those things that you think happens to other people, not to me, not to us! And now it has happened, and I can't understand it. There is such disbelief.... I can't grasp it.... mom can't grasp it.... it isn't real. We keep expecting you to just show up in the house, to just scoot by on your chair.... it's just surreal that you aren't here. Your presence is felt so much stronger for me at the house. If I am not there, then I don't "feel" you around. When I am at my house I seem to not think about it as much, but then I do and it feels like a dream. When I go to mom's the reality smacks me in the face. It's so hard... so mind boggling. I look at pictures of you and think to myself that it can't be true... you are right there in the picture, and it wasn't that long ago, how can you be there one minute and gone the next. I do not understand. 


Now more then ever I wish there was a rewind button so that I could see you again... and hug you! 


love you papa!
Alicia