Hey Pal. Many people at work have come over to offer their condolences for your passing. And for some reason, today I mentioned how you woke me up again. It seems of late, to the surprise of no one, that I am not sleeping through the night. Since you have passed, there have been many nights where I will wake up and think about you, or something you have said or that you did. I have been sending text messages to my email so I will not forget what comes to mind. I would agree with Alicia, that typing my thoughts out either in a text message or an email, is very therapeutic.
I hope you know when you left us you were loved and appreciated, but frustrating all at the same time. My emotion at this time is that we could have done more together and we did not. I will look back with a lot of regret knowing I did not visit enough or call often enough. Therefore, I will view those early morning wake-ups as your way of making sure we are thinking of each other.
As you were laying in the ICU room, in the last few hours, I walked over and told you I loved you. I know you heard me; I needed to know that through everything I did love you and was always hoping you could end your pain--both physical and emotional. The emotional part was not always discussed, but if we think back we can see you suffering through the pain of the moments of your past you wished did not happen. So when I think of you in heaven now, I know you are no longer in any type of pain. And that is the part that makes me happy and sad at the same time.
With love and appreciation.
Phil
He is on my mind every day too! i have the same thoughts and regrets. i didn't call enough or visit enough. even though before hand I was going over for dinner more often, it still didn't feel like enough. I know what you mean about his emotional pain... he never verbalized but he was suffering and no one could have fixed that but him. He knows we love him, despite his flaws and mistakes. He is our father and for that we should always be grateful. Love you!
ReplyDeleteSee those pictures of dad as a young man and growing up through the years, has made me view things differently. Still frustrated and mad about the problems mom had to face because of his decisions, but I just dad as more human with the faults and failures we all face. maybe he didn't know how to do more or didn't have confidence that he could do the things others do, which led to inaction. Not sure.
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