Well honey,
It is me again, I am missing you so much, I have had company all week and it was nice and I would go out and just feel like I needed to tell you about it but you are not there. Like tonight I went to St. Armand's Circle and it was for Halloween and it was very nice. SHS did a take-off of "Thriller" and they did a pretty nice job, but you were not here to tell about it, as you usually are I cannot believe it yet
Jamie is coming tomorrow and I know how much you would have loved to see him and Anita and visit with them, so I am feeling kind of guilty about it. Feeling like I should not be visiting because you are not here. You left me and I am angry with you and so disappointed with how you did it. So quickly, so fast!!I really never saw it coming.

I hope you are at peace and with all your friends, more of them there than here. You are free at last!! Watch over the kids and help them get through this. They are having a hard time and I hope you will help me too. I am really having a hard time and am sometimes numb. Also help Philip get some sleep tonight he needs his rest. Help Jan also .

Good night honey,
Love me

Waking Me Up

Hey Pal. I know I am not waking you up, but you sure do that at times. There are nights when I can sleep all the way through, which is fine. And then there are days like tonight when you pop in my head and I cannot go back to sleep. Actually tonight I probably could, I am that tired. But I wanted to type to you this time.

You know, sitting at your house tonight, I just had the image of you coming around the corner in the cart. I haven't gotten a call from you of late or a racy email, and it feels so strange.

You left us too early dad. There are going to be so many times in the future, when we reflect back on our time with you and know we hadn't done enough with you or for you; you know to help you solve your physical and emotional problems. There was so much more we needed to do dad. So much more too talk about. I am sorry I didn't do as much with you as I should have. Sorry I didn't come over and just watch a movie with you. I am sorry I didn't come and take you out of the house for rides from time to time. I am sorry I didn't call that much. I am sorry I didn't see you that much your last days in the hospital. So therefore, I am sorry for making you hurt, because you knew all of this. That seems to be my mode at times dad; to see missed opportunities right when they become missed opportunities.

Love you pal and do miss you. Keep looking out for mom from your new perch.

Phil

gum

So I was enjoying a piece of gum yesterday and as I was blowing bubbles and "cracking" my gum, I was reminded how much you LOVED when we used to do that.... and I instinctively would stop... Ha ha!!! Every crack of my gum will remind me of you, random tidbit for the day! 

Love you pops!

Dear Dad (#7)

Morning Dad! 

Well yesterday was a weird day. Mom had a rough morning...she said she wasn't sure what started it, but I felt bad. Then she had to go to work and deal with Mr. Pleasant himself... OY! 

So Tuesday night I took a Super B complex vitamin and I think it made me a little wacky yesterday. I felt like I was on this high most of the day. Of course, when I would slow down or stop you would pop back into my head. Yesterday I was thinking about the last time I full on hugged you. I don't remember it. I remember half hugging you when we found out they were going to take the left leg, but that's all I can remember out of the hospital. I am so craving a physical connection from you. I had music playing at work and some songs would come on and it would make me think how nice it would have been to dance with you. And I could even imagine it. Then I am reminded that we can't dance together, ever again. You are gone now and I have been robbed. I was so waiting and hoping and praying that you would give me away. And I was so looking forward to dancing with you at my wedding. It would have meant so much to me and I know it would have meant a lot to you. After EVERYTHING you had been through, we had been through, it would have been such an awesome moment. I know you will be there with me... in spirit, but I am selfish and would prefer to have you here in person. 

It angers me that I was robbed, that you were robbed, that we, this family was robbed. There were so many more memories to create with you.... The holidays are coming and they are drenched with bittersweetness. I so love this time of the year, but now it will hold a different emotion, a different sensation about it. It will drip with longing and regrets. It will be a jovial time, of course, but we will always have you in our hearts and minds wishing that you were there too, to enjoy the festivities and be with the family. 

Okay... I think that is all I have in me for now... I shall return! 

Love,

Alicia

Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest" (dear dad #6)

So dad, this is a rock song that makes me think of you. The lyrics struck me and I have always thought of you whenever I heard this song. It is one of my favorites. I truly believe that the lyrics are something you would say if you knew how to say it....

"Leave Out All The Rest"

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shed but I made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

I truly believe that each of us, people in general, are flawed. We are not perfect. But when our time comes it's not important to focus on all of the bad things we may have done.... it's important to focus on the good things and the positive memories and remember that no matter what, good or bad, people deserve to be loved and accepted.

I love you dad and miss you EVERYDAY!!!! 

love,

alicia

dear dad (#5)

hey papa. 

so phil and i went to barnes and noble Saturday and then i went to borders and was looking at some books on grieving for children who have lost parents. it was interesting some of the things that the book was saying and how accurate it was. the book said that children look at parents as being immortal. Once one of them dies it makes you realize your own mortality. It's so true, so accurate. I have always known that people die, but it's one of those things that you think happens to other people, not to me, not to us! And now it has happened, and I can't understand it. There is such disbelief.... I can't grasp it.... mom can't grasp it.... it isn't real. We keep expecting you to just show up in the house, to just scoot by on your chair.... it's just surreal that you aren't here. Your presence is felt so much stronger for me at the house. If I am not there, then I don't "feel" you around. When I am at my house I seem to not think about it as much, but then I do and it feels like a dream. When I go to mom's the reality smacks me in the face. It's so hard... so mind boggling. I look at pictures of you and think to myself that it can't be true... you are right there in the picture, and it wasn't that long ago, how can you be there one minute and gone the next. I do not understand. 


Now more then ever I wish there was a rewind button so that I could see you again... and hug you! 


love you papa!
Alicia

Hey honey this is new for me so bear with me. I am missing you so much. Some days I cannot see your face and others I just want to hear your voice so bad. I hope that it was nothing that I did that ended your time here on earth. I really tried to help and to take good care of you, but now I sit and wonder if there was something that I could have done differently. Did I miss something, Not see something, but then I think I had you to every doctor in the month of September.
Oh well Frani is here this week and it has been rough. Do not know if it is me or just the time. My emotions are all over the place. I sometimes feel that I am not mourning enough and others I just want to sit and cry. I still am waiting for a phone call at some point during the day. I am still waiting to see you in the drive way. I just feel like it is a dream and I will wake up and you will be there, Please help me and the kids to get through this nightmare that we are going through. I love and miss you and wish I had been a more affectionate wife to you. I tried in other ways to show I loved you and I hope you know that.
I love you and your wit and all your effort to make me smile/laugh. You got such a kick out of that. I just cannot pfantom the rest of my life without YOU!!
Love Me

poem

so this is a poem that i started before the service that i forgot about.... i have so many little phrases that i started all over the place. i like this one a lot actually because it seems to sum up how i feel lately... 


time drags slowly
days meld into one
memories flood my mind
wish i could record every one
i hear your voice and 
see your face
wish i could recall every word
every trace


who knows, maybe i will add to it. 

guilt

i feel guilty when i go about my day and get so wrapped up in what i am doing that you escape my mind for a while. then when i stop it all comes back and i remember that you are gone. 

i feel guilty that i can go out and about and have fun, but you can't. 

i feel guilty that i didn't get married sooner.... 

i feel guilty that i didn't start a family sooner too.... 

i feel guilty that i seem to have so much to say to you now, when you aren't here to hear it...

i am sorry i cheated you and myself as well 

Telling People

Yesterday I received an email at work from a friend who inquired as to whether or not the obituary they had read in the paper for Charles E. Puzzanchera with a daughter named Alicia was in fact my father. Part of me wanted to say, Well how many Puzzanchera's do you know that have a daughter named Alicia, but I restrained myself.

The concept of calling people to tell them you passed away was so weird to me. I mean we called people we have spoken to in a while, at least not that I was aware of, to notify them that you had left us. It's a weird conversation to have. And now that things are starting to settle and life is moving on, slowly, I am sure that when I encounter people who knew you were struggling with the infections will ask about you and I will have to explain that you have passed away. The one woman I spoke to was shocked. She didn't realize just how sick you were. And most people I encounter from now on, I am sure, will have the same reaction. 

It is going to be odd telling people as time goes on... yet in the same breath, I feel like the more I say it, the more it will help me come to terms with your death. 

Bye for now, I am sure I will be back real soon! 

Love,

Alicia

Waking Me Up

Hey Pal. Many people at work have come over to offer their condolences for your passing. And for some reason, today I mentioned how you woke me up again. It seems of late, to the surprise of no one, that I am not sleeping through the night. Since you have passed, there have been many nights where I will wake up and think about you, or something you have said or that you did. I have been sending text messages to my email so I will not forget what comes to mind. I would agree with Alicia, that typing my thoughts out either in a text message or an email, is very therapeutic.

I hope you know when you left us you were loved and appreciated, but frustrating all at the same time. My emotion at this time is that we could have done more together and we did not. I will look back with a lot of regret knowing I did not visit enough or call often enough. Therefore, I will view those early morning wake-ups as your way of making sure we are thinking of each other.

As you were laying in the ICU room, in the last few hours, I walked over and told you I loved you. I know you heard me; I needed to know that through everything I did love you and was always hoping you could end your pain--both physical and emotional. The emotional part was not always discussed, but if we think back we can see you suffering through the pain of the moments of your past you wished did not happen. So when I think of you in heaven now, I know you are no longer in any type of pain. And that is the part that makes me happy and sad at the same time.

With love and appreciation.

Phil

Dead Dad (#4)

Good Afternoon! :) 

Well, for some reason I had a hard day yesterday. Nothing outwardly affected me, but my brain started it all. 

Lately, for obvious reasons, I have been reliving the last time I had any alone time with you. It was the Saturday before you passed away. I came to visit for a little while before going out with Aaron to North Port, to look at that house, remember? I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember talking about your stumps. I remember you telling me something about your left stump but I am not sure what it was exactly. I remember asking you if it was shorter then you expected, so you may have told me that you saw it or talked to Nestor about it, I wish I knew... Anyway, when I asked you that question, you reached down to both stumps, one hand on each, and said "no one expects this" and you teared up. I remember moving the table out of the way to come closer to the bed and putting my hand on your arm and apologizing and crying with you! No matter what has happened, no one deserves to lose both of their legs... Yes you made mistakes, but who hasn't? 

What's eerie is that I can see your face from that day so clearly. It's like I can reach out and touch it. But I can't.... 

I remember you telling me that I looked good that day, and I happen to remember what I was wearing... a purple shirt and a black skirt. (I am so weird) 

Sadly this was the same day that I had my little panic attack and almost fainted after they changed your bandage. EEP! That is not something that I want to relive. Mom came up shortly after and we chatted for a bit, but I was running late and had to head out. I am so sorry I didn't stay longer. I wish that I would have known in some way that was going to be the last time I could really talk to you. There is SO much I would have said. So much....

Hopefully I will be able to do that here a little bit as much as I can. As crazy as it sounds doing this helps me... it gets it out and I feel like I can grieve more. I need to grieve, because I feel like I am holding it all in and like I will just blow up one day. 

love and miss you every day!!! 

your daughter
:)

Dear Dad (#3)

Today is your birthday. It was weird not having a cake or anything.... 

I took the day off today from work so I could spend time with mom, I knew it would be a hard day. All the family is gone and after all it's your birthday, and well you aren't here. We ran errands, she got her passport (YAY!!!) and had lunch with Phil and Aaron. We went to the hospital today too. That was weird.... Going there, not to visit you, but to drop off flowers from your service to the nurses at the 4th floor nurses station. It was so weird. So surreal... I haven't stepped foot in that hospital since you passed away. Mom had to tell the Mackenzie's, who volunteer at Doctor's Hospital, about your passing. That was hard. They shared with us a story from their recent trip out west. The Mackenzie's went to a hot air balloon trip and were confronted about why it is that they volunteer at the hospital, and they proceeded to tell these people about you!! You are the reason that they volunteer... so sweet and nice to hear.

Everyone came over for dinner tonight. It's so nice to have everyone here....wish you and Charles could have been here and that would have made it complete. 

Needless to say from now on, every year on your birthday it's going to be odd to not celebrate your birthday. I would like to come up with some sort of tradition that we do for you on your birthday with mom and the family. We'll see.... 

I know you know this, but I love you and miss you lots and lots!! 

Love,

Alicia

Game time

Hey Pal. I was heading out to my softball game tonight and was thinking about the last game you came to see me play. I actually had a good game that night. I think I may had three hits, with one being an inside the park home run. Actually, the guy in center missed the ball, but I had to run ALL the way around the bases nonetheless. Tonight was my first game since you had passed and it was tough not thinking of you while I was out there. you came to mind so often. Our team was not victorious tonight. We lost 23-16 to the best team in our league. we made a run at them, but it was over really from the start. They just kept crushing the ball. As for me, I did have two hits. I can here you say "all right" as I type this. Knew you would be proud. Take care my pal. I will keep in touch.

Phil

Dear Dad (#2)

Good Morning! 

Well Aaron and I went and looked at that house in North Port yesterday. It's a nice house. Good size and a lot of potential. I just wish it wasn't so far from everyone, especially now. I think you and mom would like it. I would like to take mom down there for her to see it, but I am torn about the idea of moving that far away now. It's harder to even think about being that far away from her and everyone. While I would hate for the house to slip through our fingers I can't help but feel not moving right now is the best thing to do. It's not about the money, it's about family. I mean it's only 45 mins or so away, but right now that feels like an eternity. The area is great. It's up and coming and has so much potential. We are close to 2 sets of couple friends, so that would be nice. But .... how do I move away right now? Not to mention that I don't love my job enough to commute.... and what sense does it make to move down there when so much of our life is still here in Sarasota? I don't know what the right thing is to do. I wish you could have seen the house. I think you would have liked it. It was hard walking through there yesterday and not thinking of all of these things that I would have asked you about the structure and the kitchen and all that... I am sad that I won't get to share the experience of my first house with you. I know you would have enjoyed it. I am sure you are watching over me though and will have a guiding hand when the time is right. 

I love you papa and miss you everyday!! <3

Dear Dad (#1)

I started this blog as a way to talk to you. To tell you that I miss you and love you. Though you have been gone only a short while, it feels like an eternity. I can't believe that you are no longer here and that we won't get to hear your voice, crack up at your inappropriate albeit hilarious jokes, get a hug (because when you hugged someone, they knew it!) or just be in your presence. You made light of things you were dealing with and always tried to make people smile and laugh. Not a day will go by that I will not think of you and wish that we had more time. 

I love you and miss you bunches papa!!! 

Love, Alicia