Morning Pal

Well dad, you and I have been walking for about 18 days now. Mom gave me your old sneakers and I have been walking in them. This way we can walk together. Once I started walking, I began posting on Twitter and Facebook each day that I walk. Well, after a few days of walking in my old sneakers, mom gave me the ones you had, so I decided to walk in them so that you could be with me in another way; and have been doing it every since.

OK, time to get ready for work.

Love you pal.

Dear Dad (#10)

So as phil mentioned this was our first thanksgiving without you here. very surreal. as usual i expected you to just appear as if from no where. i know you aren't here and that you aren't coming back, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. 

i was pretty good today until dinner time approached. it occurred to me that you would not be taking your usual place at the head of the table. that seemed to be when it sank in a little more. i could see you clear as day and almost hear your voice too. 

i spent the night last night and when i got up i told mom that i had a vision of you and i in your kitchen cooking meatballs. you were in your chair and i was standing at the stove and we were discussing the meatballs. it was very vivid and realistic. but then i wake up and the reality sets in again and i feel like someone has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. 

i love you and miss you so much! hope you are resting peacefully!

Happy Thanksgiving Pal

Good morning dad. Well, here we go. Our first Thanksgiving without you here. This will be a tough time today. Please send mom some good things to think about today. She has been wanting to hear your voice; so if you could send down mom some good memories to make this day as bearable as possible for her and us it would be appreciated.

Well I went out today for the 14th day of walking. While 14 days may not seem like a lot, for me this is very good. The last few days I have been walking with my neighbor, which has made the walk go so much faster.

On our walk today I ran into Patty Burch and of course she was asking about mom and how the family was doing. She told us the story of the one time she was in the hospital and you brought her an 8 foot hoagie on a gurney. that would have been funny to see. An 8 foot hoagie on a gurney making its way through the hospital hallways had to be amusing to see. I hope to hear more stories like that; you had such pleasure doing those types of things for people.

I imagined I saw you the other day driving on North Cattle Ridge Drive. A car was making a turn and it just looked like a scene I have seen you in before.

Well pal, you will be missed today even more. I am thankful you brought me into this life and have provided me guidance and teaching on the things you felt were important to you.

Love you pal and am thankful for the many good times we had together.

dear dad #9

Hey there Papa! It's been a while since I have been here, I know. I just feel like a lot of what I would have said, would have been repetitive. It's been almost 2 months now and not much has changed. It seems as though I have days where I think about you more then others. But generally not a day goes by that I don't think about you or wanting to call you or hug you. 

As the holidays approach I find myself tormented between being excited and extremely sad. It's hard to be so happy and so upset at the same time. It's definitely going to be a challenge.

I was talking to mom earlier and mentioned that I feel like I have lost my connection to you. At first it felt like I had to talk to you everyday... and now...not so much. That bothers me. I don't want to lose that connection. Then when I sit here typing and "talking" my head goes blank. I wonder, too, if I am starting to get mad at you. I don't want to be mad at you, but I understand that it's part of the process. I know you are sorry for a lot, if not all, of your bad decisions and the strain you put on the family, I know you are, and I guess I feel bad being mad at you when I know that you are sorry. What is unfortunate, is that you really can't make it up to us now.

I have been meaning to get on here and tell you about the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. It was fabulous! You would have enjoyed it. Aaron and I are taking mom next year. SO EXCITED. 

HAve to get my day started now daddy! I love you!!! 

Morning Dad

Hey pal, welcome to a cool Sunday morning. I am out on the back porch with the computer, my coffee and the cool air. It feels great.

Well dad, Cin convinced the family to paint yesterday. Oh boy. Cin and I went to Home Depot and you could tell it was going to happen because we found a paint within 5 minutes. As you know, we never make decisions that quickly.

So after our trip to HD was over, we came home and began moving furniture. "Holy crap this is going to happen." I had to go back to HD to get some molding and wood to fix our corners. when i cam back cin and the girls have already started trimming. "wow, she was serious." so then we painted. From about 3 until about 7:30. We got most of the great room done, except for the trimming at the top. We have to go back and get more paint.

Now I have to decide, am I going to walk first or ride my bike to Publix to buy the newspapers. Or walk and then on our way to HD go to Publix for the newspapers. Such choices.

Ok pal, I am going to go now. Hope you are doing OK. we miss you here. You left us too soon.

Love you.

Phil

Morning Pal

Hey dad. Are you doing OK hanging with your friends in heaven? You are missed a lot down here. Each day that passes, the empty feeling continues, as it should, and materializes at odd times. For example, I had a softball game Monday night. I asked mom to come to it. She had thought about it and said maybe; she wasn't sure since Christopher was coming over. But as the game was starting, here comes mom and Christopher. And for some reason, at that point, I felt her being alone. don't know why it hit me then, but that is how I felt at that moment. Mom was fine, she was upbeat and happy, you know in the moment. So she did not give off any indication that she was feeling bad. But I guess I took that one snapshot, her coming on a last second whim, to symbolizing being alone. Since she did not need to tend to you, she could just come when and if she desired. That was just a feeling I wanted to share.

Speaking of the the game. We were playing in the end of the year tournament. We had one win and one loss. if we loss the first game, the one mom attended, we were out of the tournament. We won and got to play a second game. we would be playing the team that was undefeated. In order for us to win the tournament, we would have to beat them twice. Well, on a very cold Monday night, we fell short. The game ended before we could get our last at-bats.

We played on the field you last saw me play a game on. I will never forget you sitting in your chair by the stands watching the game. That is the game I was able to get an inside the part home run, well that is what we would like to call it; but in the real score book it was a three base error. But we will take it. Anyway, I will know that is the field I played on for the last time you saw me. And I am so glad you did.

OK Pal, thanks for listening. Love you.

Phil

Good morning Pal

Well dad it has been over a month now that you have been gone from us. And you know, it still feels odd. We watched you pass and heard your last words spoken to us. But I guess, like most of the family, you are still in the hospital or at the consulate rehabbing. But those thoughts last for a few moments and then we remember. So now we must fully transition to life without you and begin to understand and grasp what that truly means.

What does it mean?
it means never listening to you tell all of those jokes which were intended to brighten out day
it means not having a voice to our past to link our children to your parents and grandparents
it means not hearing you ask mom to make you a cup of coffee
it means never having 5:30 wake up calls from the hospital;
it means never hearing your sarcasm--that we came to love and expect after all of those years
it means not being able to take you for a steak sandwich or to ever learn pinochle--all though you did try. sorry I couldn't learn it
it means not seeing your smart ass looking grin
it means no more pain for you but pain and grief for us.
And it means so much more that we haven't been able to truly grasp.

Love and miss you pal

Dear Dad (#8)

Hey there papa!

Well, it's finally November. So glad to see October end! This has been the longest month ever.... it's been a month? WOW! I can't believe it. Time has managed to lose it's definition of late. The days run together and the hours drag on. it's painful how slow the days seem at times. While I am always dreading the passing of time, and wish things would slow down, this is not what I imagined. The work week drags, but the weekends are a blur. Could you please do something about that?!? HA HA!!

So I got to marry a couple on Sunday. It was so nice and special. I was so flattered to be apart of their special day. They are such a cute family now!

Next week I will be on vacation...much needed. I haven't stopped. I am soooo excited. Aaron and I and some friends are going to Disney, again, this Saturday and Sunday. We are mainly going for the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival. I am so looking forward to sampling some of the yummy foods. I was so hoping that this was something I would have been able to share with you at some point. I think you and mom would enjoy it. We will scope it out this year and try to take mom next year. Meanwhile, the prices for Disney have gotten SO expensive... can you do something about that too please?!? hee hee 

So, lately there have been days when I can't hear your voice or see your face like I was able to at first. That scares me. I don't want to forget you, ever, but especially not now...it's too soon. At times it seems like I am trying too hard and maybe that is why I can't remember. I have told mom that same thing. I also feel like I haven't grieved for you yet. I keep waiting and expecting this moment to just hit me and I will actually start "feeling" that you have left us. The truth is that I haven't cried much. I cried in your hospital room as I watched you take your last breath and then when we all consoled each other, but since then, not too much. It's bothering me. I know that people grieve differently but frankly I don't like the way I do it. I do get emotional when I write things and/or say them out loud. Then it becomes more real. I have this memory of how I felt after you lost your left leg...I remember how guilty I felt with every step that I took, because you wouldn't be able to do that again. Now I have that some feeling when I do things that you are no longer able to do, or do things that you will never get to do. There is so much you missed out on...the cruise, being able to walk again, being pain free.... That right there kills me... you were out of pain and you didn't get to enjoy it. That breaks my heart! I know how much pain you were in and I know you aren't in any pain now, but you aren't here to live and experience life. 

I can't get this feeling that you are in the hospital to waiver. Whenever I think of you, I just think, "Oh he is in the hospital...". But I haven't called you or visited you... I did find a visitors sticker on a notebook of mine from this last trip to the hospital....I so wish there was a way I could turn back time and tell you all the things I feel like saying. But I can't. There are no time machines. I can't go back and try to fix you. 

I miss hearing your voice on the phone when I call the house. It's like I expect it at times. It's strange. And lately when I go over there, I keep wanting to ask mom where you are... I have to catch myself, because it's ALWAYS on the tip of my tongue.  

I feel like I could go on and on today, but I need to get some work done. 

I LOVE AND MISS YOU BUNCHES!
Alicia