Hey honey,

Just me checking in to say hello and that I am missing you so-o-o-o much. I know I did not always show it but I am hoping you knew how much I do/did love you and knew I would miss you lots. I am having to start over again and I am not sure how to do it and am hoping you will help me to find my place again in this world and to like it and this world I now have without you.
There are so many things wrong and I am left to deal with them alone, I have the kids but I do not really want to let them have to feel they need to help.
I am going to the hospital to see Jake today and to sign up to be a volunteer. Starting out with one day a week or a few hours on the week-end. Just to feel it out and see if I like it and maybe I will get lucky and get a job there. I also asked for a job at the church today but Fr. Patrick is out of town but I will call him next week. Will keep you posted. Watch over us and keep us under your wing.
All my love,
Me

Dear dad #13

Well... mom and I survived a weekend in  Missouri with Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam. It was really pretty and serene there... and COLD!!!!! It got down to 7 degrees one day. OMG! Thank goodness Pam has a fire place in her house. We were busy from the moment we landed. We went to Silver Dollar City Friday night after landing. We literally landed, got the rental, went to Pam's, and hit the park. It was really pretty there. Lots and lots of Christmas lights everywhere. Saturday morning we got up and went to breakfast then hit College of the Ozarks. It's a free college, but the students have to work while there to earn their tuition. Great place for Felicia we thought. They have an agriculture area. The scenery there was wonderful. Mom and I had our picture taken over looking a valley, it's so peaceful. You can see it in the picture, which is amazing. After that we went to Big Cedar Lodge. OMG.... GORGEOUS!!!! The lodge itself was breathtaking. There was a little coffee shop there we stopped at and then a place to go shopping. They have cabins there for people to rent. We are going to look into it. We then went to dinner at Lambert's, home of the thrown rolls. It was pretty good food. We went back to Pam's and hit the hay. Sunday we woke up to snow!!!!! It wasn't a significant amount of snow, just a little. It was a dry snow it wasn't messy to deal with or drive in. We made breakfast and then went to Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam's cottage. It was a beautiful drive. The cottage however, was rather tiny. But the view was magnificent. It was quite peaceful there. Next we headed to the Dixie Stampede. It was so much fun!!!! Mom and I love horses. We couldn't take pictures inside during the show, but you would have enjoyed it. After that we went home. Monday, me and Jan's birthday, we got up and I think we got breakfast somewhere... oh well. Pam had to prep the house again for being empty, so she dropped me, mom and Uncle Phil off at Bass Pro Shop. It's HUGE!!! It was a neat store. We ate lunch and then headed to the airport. We were instructed to get to the airport 2 hours early by the airline. Well... good thing we did that... out flight ended up being delayed. We sat in that airport from 1pm-12:30 am Missouri time, 1:30 am our time. We didn't nap at all. Thank goodness I had the laptop with me. This airport we were in was a small one and the stores and restaurants closed at 8:30 pm for the day. SO WEIRD!!!! So the airline got us pizza. Mom made a new friend at the gate who lives in Tampa. She decided to have the gate person have the waiting travelers sing happy birthday to me. It was so cool! Something I will never forget. We didn't arrive home until 4:45am. I spent the night with mom and slept for like 3 hours and then went to work. The next two days were so long and I never really caught up on my sleep. I was very emotional too, which was a good thing. I haven't really cried much since the service. It was a good release.

Now it's 5 days until Christmas. I can't believe how this year has flown by. I can honestly say I am not sad to see it end. While good things have happened this year all I can lead with is that you are gone and I miss you so. I know you were with Aaron when he passed his test and that you were celebrating with us, but I know you would have liked to be here with us to enjoy that wonderful moment. You were proud of him and he knew that. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your blessing and your guidance. I hope you are able to pull a few more strings and make a few more things happen. 

Love you papa!!! Miss you TONS!!!!

Well

I don't know what you did, but thank you! Aaron passed his medic test and is now a state certified paramedic. YES!!!!!!!!!! Wish you could be here to celebrate with us. I am sure you are celebrating wherever you are!

Love and miss you bunches daddy!

daddy...

please help Aaron today!

Thank you!

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be,

So he put his arms around you

and whispered "Come to Me".

With tearful eyes we watched you,

as we saw you pass away.

Although we loved you deeply,

we could not make you stay.

Your Golden Heart stopped beating,

hard working hands at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best.

dear dad #11

i feel like a bad daughter. i haven't been here in a while. it's not for lack of thinking about you, but more so for not having anything new to say. not a day passes that you don't enter my mind. lately in the mornings is when i remember most those last few moments we had with you. i try to cherish them and remember every detail because i fear that one day in the not too distant future these precious details will be gone. i don't think this is morbid, though some people may, i feel like it's a way for me to reach out to you and try and remember what you said, how you looked and every detail. i often see your face as you called me doll baby for a final time and kissed me goodbye. that stays with me pretty good. so does the smile you had on your face. it's such a comfort to me knowing that you were not in pain and that you didn't suffer. perhaps i have stayed away, because i can't really bring myself to think about the fact that you are gone. if i think about it that makes it real and then i feel like this tender thread that is holding me together is about to tear and i am going to crumble to pieces. my heart hurts as i type this and i really feel like i lost a piece of myself and who i am. when i do come here and talk to you it helps me to cry... i haven't cried much lately and that i fear is because i have not allowed myself to. i keep it locked up tight and only cry when prompted. it feels good to let out the emotion, although at times when i start i tend to stop just as quick. i don't want to lose it completely. and that scares me... you can't really be gone... it can't be real... it's just not fair.