sometimes i forget

sometimes i forget. 

forget that you are gone

forget that what you look like

forget that you were here

this really bothers me. i never want to forget.how can my father not be here anymore? i want to remember everything. how is it that after such a short period of time i feel like i am forgetting you? i am on this planet because of you. i know you wouldn't want us to stop living because you have moved on, but it feels like the more i live the further i get from you. that scares and saddens me. i know i have pictures to look at to bring you back or songs that i can listen to or even certain smells that conjure up memories, but they can't bring you back in the flesh. the human connection is what i feel slipping away and what i want so desperately to cling to. nothing can bring that back.

Just because you are gone doesn't mean that you aren't still with me and this i know. i talk to you everyday! you don't always respond.... hello, manners?!?!? but i know that we are connected. 

i miss you dad!  

dear dad #14

You seem to come to me at weird times. Mostly when I am driving or cooking and also grocery shopping. I always think of you when I am perusing the steaks. HA HA! I always wants to call and ask you how to cook a certain cut of beef. Why is that? I made beef and tortellini stew for the first time a few weeks ago and it turned out great. Mom really enjoyed it. So did Aaron and Dwayne. I know you would have liked it too.

I went shopping a few weeks ago and got some nice clothes. I brought them to the house to give a fashion show and I really wish that you had been there to see me "model" too. I know you were/are proud of me for the weight that I have lost. I remember getting excited the first time I was able to buy smaller clothes and I got to come over and show you and mom. It might be silly, but it made me feel good! :)

The cruise is fast approaching for mom and Janice. I know it's going to be super bittersweet for them to go, but I REALLY feel that it will be good for both of them too. I know you want mom to go and not let you stop her anymore. She needs this. She has EARNED this. I know you would agree with me. You both earned it. 45 years in this day and age is nothing to shake a stick at. I know you will be with her in spirit. 


You are really keeping me going with this diet. I have been struggling lately. I want to just stuff my face with EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING, but you were so proud of me, and I don't want to let you down. It's one of the last things you said to me.... that I looked good and that you were proud of me for sticking to the diet. So now, whenever I have the urge to stuff myself I remember what you said and resist the temptation. I just wish you could be here to see me hit my goal weight. Considering everything going on lately, your passing and the holidays, I managed to only gain like 3 lbs. Not to shabby if you ask me. I am proud of myself for managing to keep the weight off. I have 12 more to go until my goal and I could win $50 from Neil Dearwester - we have a bet going to see who can get to 60 lbs first. 


I wish mom could get a new job. Please help her. She is waiting to hear from Maryann's place, who is offering a full time position, with benefits. She needs to get away from Randy. He has been good to her, but he is too temperamental and things aren't improving there. 

Watch over us and if you could pull some strings for the lottery or a job for Aaron, that would be FANTASTIC!


love and miss you bunches
alicia 


p.s. i could really use a hug about now :(

Good morning Pal

Hey dad. I am sorry it has been a while since I last wrote something. Even though I was in the room, when you passed away, there are days that go by where I truly cannot believe you are not with us anymore. A few days ago I thought I saw you behind the wheel of a car. Actually that has happened a few times.

Well Cindy and I had to go through the process of getting a new roof. They hopefully will be completing that today. Andrew Covino's step-dad's company is putting in the roof. He gave us a good price. Once he realized we were related, he dropped the price so we could afford to do it. I will be relieved once the final nail is in place; knowing, or actually hoping, the roof is secure and will stop the dripping that occurs between the roof and the pan roof over the pool. Anyway, it would have been great to have you here to walk me through the process a little bit more. Hope I made the right decision with the right company.

From where I sit, your football pool, was a big hit. Charles lost to cousin Mike by one game. And it was the Eagles who could have cost Charles $130.00. Mike took the Cowboys in the final game of the season against the Eagles. Charles took the Eagles. And it was close race to the end, which made it exciting. Nice legacy dad.

Well keep a watchful eye on us and pray for mom. Help her determine the right path for her.

Miss and love you pal.

Take care.

Phil
The Eagles will be playing Sunday against the Packers at home. Hopefully the result will be different.

Happy New Year 2011 Blah!!

Jan. 4, 2011
Hey honey,
Well it is not a Happy New Year for me, it is for you I guess because you are out of your pain and out of the damn wheel chair and you are free. Well my misery and pain have started and now I have a life ahead of me without you and it scares me to death. I have never lived or been alone except for your stays in the hospital and of course the nursing home but I always had you in my life. Well things have happened you would like! Nancy Pelosi is no longer speaker of the house, John Baner is now going to have that job. Rick Scott won for Governor of Florida as you wanted and Charlie Covino sent me a great clip regarding the filming of the God Father,showing it was filmed in Staten Island, either New York or New Jersey.It was very interesting. On new years eve I went to see Burlesque for the 2nd time and then to Applebee's with the girls and I had 1/2 of a frozen Daiquiri ( strawberry) it was very good. I am trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life as far as a job/career, or as much of a career as I could have.Life it topsy/turvy for me at this time. Oh, before I forget, Michael got engaged.this past Christmas and your brother is doing OK. Aunt Frani, I am not sure about, Phil told me her cancer has returned but she did not tell me.
Well guess who is hiring? The Consulate. Help me to get this job if it is the one for me. It might be just what I need to get some extra money, it is a part time position, just what I need and maybe I can get in there full time if they like me and if I really like the job, please help me.

Miss and Love you,
Me

Hey honey,

Just me checking in to say hello and that I am missing you so-o-o-o much. I know I did not always show it but I am hoping you knew how much I do/did love you and knew I would miss you lots. I am having to start over again and I am not sure how to do it and am hoping you will help me to find my place again in this world and to like it and this world I now have without you.
There are so many things wrong and I am left to deal with them alone, I have the kids but I do not really want to let them have to feel they need to help.
I am going to the hospital to see Jake today and to sign up to be a volunteer. Starting out with one day a week or a few hours on the week-end. Just to feel it out and see if I like it and maybe I will get lucky and get a job there. I also asked for a job at the church today but Fr. Patrick is out of town but I will call him next week. Will keep you posted. Watch over us and keep us under your wing.
All my love,
Me

Dear dad #13

Well... mom and I survived a weekend in  Missouri with Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam. It was really pretty and serene there... and COLD!!!!! It got down to 7 degrees one day. OMG! Thank goodness Pam has a fire place in her house. We were busy from the moment we landed. We went to Silver Dollar City Friday night after landing. We literally landed, got the rental, went to Pam's, and hit the park. It was really pretty there. Lots and lots of Christmas lights everywhere. Saturday morning we got up and went to breakfast then hit College of the Ozarks. It's a free college, but the students have to work while there to earn their tuition. Great place for Felicia we thought. They have an agriculture area. The scenery there was wonderful. Mom and I had our picture taken over looking a valley, it's so peaceful. You can see it in the picture, which is amazing. After that we went to Big Cedar Lodge. OMG.... GORGEOUS!!!! The lodge itself was breathtaking. There was a little coffee shop there we stopped at and then a place to go shopping. They have cabins there for people to rent. We are going to look into it. We then went to dinner at Lambert's, home of the thrown rolls. It was pretty good food. We went back to Pam's and hit the hay. Sunday we woke up to snow!!!!! It wasn't a significant amount of snow, just a little. It was a dry snow it wasn't messy to deal with or drive in. We made breakfast and then went to Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam's cottage. It was a beautiful drive. The cottage however, was rather tiny. But the view was magnificent. It was quite peaceful there. Next we headed to the Dixie Stampede. It was so much fun!!!! Mom and I love horses. We couldn't take pictures inside during the show, but you would have enjoyed it. After that we went home. Monday, me and Jan's birthday, we got up and I think we got breakfast somewhere... oh well. Pam had to prep the house again for being empty, so she dropped me, mom and Uncle Phil off at Bass Pro Shop. It's HUGE!!! It was a neat store. We ate lunch and then headed to the airport. We were instructed to get to the airport 2 hours early by the airline. Well... good thing we did that... out flight ended up being delayed. We sat in that airport from 1pm-12:30 am Missouri time, 1:30 am our time. We didn't nap at all. Thank goodness I had the laptop with me. This airport we were in was a small one and the stores and restaurants closed at 8:30 pm for the day. SO WEIRD!!!! So the airline got us pizza. Mom made a new friend at the gate who lives in Tampa. She decided to have the gate person have the waiting travelers sing happy birthday to me. It was so cool! Something I will never forget. We didn't arrive home until 4:45am. I spent the night with mom and slept for like 3 hours and then went to work. The next two days were so long and I never really caught up on my sleep. I was very emotional too, which was a good thing. I haven't really cried much since the service. It was a good release.

Now it's 5 days until Christmas. I can't believe how this year has flown by. I can honestly say I am not sad to see it end. While good things have happened this year all I can lead with is that you are gone and I miss you so. I know you were with Aaron when he passed his test and that you were celebrating with us, but I know you would have liked to be here with us to enjoy that wonderful moment. You were proud of him and he knew that. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your blessing and your guidance. I hope you are able to pull a few more strings and make a few more things happen. 

Love you papa!!! Miss you TONS!!!!

Well

I don't know what you did, but thank you! Aaron passed his medic test and is now a state certified paramedic. YES!!!!!!!!!! Wish you could be here to celebrate with us. I am sure you are celebrating wherever you are!

Love and miss you bunches daddy!