dear dad #14

You seem to come to me at weird times. Mostly when I am driving or cooking and also grocery shopping. I always think of you when I am perusing the steaks. HA HA! I always wants to call and ask you how to cook a certain cut of beef. Why is that? I made beef and tortellini stew for the first time a few weeks ago and it turned out great. Mom really enjoyed it. So did Aaron and Dwayne. I know you would have liked it too.

I went shopping a few weeks ago and got some nice clothes. I brought them to the house to give a fashion show and I really wish that you had been there to see me "model" too. I know you were/are proud of me for the weight that I have lost. I remember getting excited the first time I was able to buy smaller clothes and I got to come over and show you and mom. It might be silly, but it made me feel good! :)

The cruise is fast approaching for mom and Janice. I know it's going to be super bittersweet for them to go, but I REALLY feel that it will be good for both of them too. I know you want mom to go and not let you stop her anymore. She needs this. She has EARNED this. I know you would agree with me. You both earned it. 45 years in this day and age is nothing to shake a stick at. I know you will be with her in spirit. 


You are really keeping me going with this diet. I have been struggling lately. I want to just stuff my face with EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING, but you were so proud of me, and I don't want to let you down. It's one of the last things you said to me.... that I looked good and that you were proud of me for sticking to the diet. So now, whenever I have the urge to stuff myself I remember what you said and resist the temptation. I just wish you could be here to see me hit my goal weight. Considering everything going on lately, your passing and the holidays, I managed to only gain like 3 lbs. Not to shabby if you ask me. I am proud of myself for managing to keep the weight off. I have 12 more to go until my goal and I could win $50 from Neil Dearwester - we have a bet going to see who can get to 60 lbs first. 


I wish mom could get a new job. Please help her. She is waiting to hear from Maryann's place, who is offering a full time position, with benefits. She needs to get away from Randy. He has been good to her, but he is too temperamental and things aren't improving there. 

Watch over us and if you could pull some strings for the lottery or a job for Aaron, that would be FANTASTIC!


love and miss you bunches
alicia 


p.s. i could really use a hug about now :(

Dear dad #13

Well... mom and I survived a weekend in  Missouri with Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam. It was really pretty and serene there... and COLD!!!!! It got down to 7 degrees one day. OMG! Thank goodness Pam has a fire place in her house. We were busy from the moment we landed. We went to Silver Dollar City Friday night after landing. We literally landed, got the rental, went to Pam's, and hit the park. It was really pretty there. Lots and lots of Christmas lights everywhere. Saturday morning we got up and went to breakfast then hit College of the Ozarks. It's a free college, but the students have to work while there to earn their tuition. Great place for Felicia we thought. They have an agriculture area. The scenery there was wonderful. Mom and I had our picture taken over looking a valley, it's so peaceful. You can see it in the picture, which is amazing. After that we went to Big Cedar Lodge. OMG.... GORGEOUS!!!! The lodge itself was breathtaking. There was a little coffee shop there we stopped at and then a place to go shopping. They have cabins there for people to rent. We are going to look into it. We then went to dinner at Lambert's, home of the thrown rolls. It was pretty good food. We went back to Pam's and hit the hay. Sunday we woke up to snow!!!!! It wasn't a significant amount of snow, just a little. It was a dry snow it wasn't messy to deal with or drive in. We made breakfast and then went to Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam's cottage. It was a beautiful drive. The cottage however, was rather tiny. But the view was magnificent. It was quite peaceful there. Next we headed to the Dixie Stampede. It was so much fun!!!! Mom and I love horses. We couldn't take pictures inside during the show, but you would have enjoyed it. After that we went home. Monday, me and Jan's birthday, we got up and I think we got breakfast somewhere... oh well. Pam had to prep the house again for being empty, so she dropped me, mom and Uncle Phil off at Bass Pro Shop. It's HUGE!!! It was a neat store. We ate lunch and then headed to the airport. We were instructed to get to the airport 2 hours early by the airline. Well... good thing we did that... out flight ended up being delayed. We sat in that airport from 1pm-12:30 am Missouri time, 1:30 am our time. We didn't nap at all. Thank goodness I had the laptop with me. This airport we were in was a small one and the stores and restaurants closed at 8:30 pm for the day. SO WEIRD!!!! So the airline got us pizza. Mom made a new friend at the gate who lives in Tampa. She decided to have the gate person have the waiting travelers sing happy birthday to me. It was so cool! Something I will never forget. We didn't arrive home until 4:45am. I spent the night with mom and slept for like 3 hours and then went to work. The next two days were so long and I never really caught up on my sleep. I was very emotional too, which was a good thing. I haven't really cried much since the service. It was a good release.

Now it's 5 days until Christmas. I can't believe how this year has flown by. I can honestly say I am not sad to see it end. While good things have happened this year all I can lead with is that you are gone and I miss you so. I know you were with Aaron when he passed his test and that you were celebrating with us, but I know you would have liked to be here with us to enjoy that wonderful moment. You were proud of him and he knew that. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your blessing and your guidance. I hope you are able to pull a few more strings and make a few more things happen. 

Love you papa!!! Miss you TONS!!!!

dear dad #11

i feel like a bad daughter. i haven't been here in a while. it's not for lack of thinking about you, but more so for not having anything new to say. not a day passes that you don't enter my mind. lately in the mornings is when i remember most those last few moments we had with you. i try to cherish them and remember every detail because i fear that one day in the not too distant future these precious details will be gone. i don't think this is morbid, though some people may, i feel like it's a way for me to reach out to you and try and remember what you said, how you looked and every detail. i often see your face as you called me doll baby for a final time and kissed me goodbye. that stays with me pretty good. so does the smile you had on your face. it's such a comfort to me knowing that you were not in pain and that you didn't suffer. perhaps i have stayed away, because i can't really bring myself to think about the fact that you are gone. if i think about it that makes it real and then i feel like this tender thread that is holding me together is about to tear and i am going to crumble to pieces. my heart hurts as i type this and i really feel like i lost a piece of myself and who i am. when i do come here and talk to you it helps me to cry... i haven't cried much lately and that i fear is because i have not allowed myself to. i keep it locked up tight and only cry when prompted. it feels good to let out the emotion, although at times when i start i tend to stop just as quick. i don't want to lose it completely. and that scares me... you can't really be gone... it can't be real... it's just not fair.

Dear Dad (#10)

So as phil mentioned this was our first thanksgiving without you here. very surreal. as usual i expected you to just appear as if from no where. i know you aren't here and that you aren't coming back, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. 

i was pretty good today until dinner time approached. it occurred to me that you would not be taking your usual place at the head of the table. that seemed to be when it sank in a little more. i could see you clear as day and almost hear your voice too. 

i spent the night last night and when i got up i told mom that i had a vision of you and i in your kitchen cooking meatballs. you were in your chair and i was standing at the stove and we were discussing the meatballs. it was very vivid and realistic. but then i wake up and the reality sets in again and i feel like someone has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. 

i love you and miss you so much! hope you are resting peacefully!

dear dad #9

Hey there Papa! It's been a while since I have been here, I know. I just feel like a lot of what I would have said, would have been repetitive. It's been almost 2 months now and not much has changed. It seems as though I have days where I think about you more then others. But generally not a day goes by that I don't think about you or wanting to call you or hug you. 

As the holidays approach I find myself tormented between being excited and extremely sad. It's hard to be so happy and so upset at the same time. It's definitely going to be a challenge.

I was talking to mom earlier and mentioned that I feel like I have lost my connection to you. At first it felt like I had to talk to you everyday... and now...not so much. That bothers me. I don't want to lose that connection. Then when I sit here typing and "talking" my head goes blank. I wonder, too, if I am starting to get mad at you. I don't want to be mad at you, but I understand that it's part of the process. I know you are sorry for a lot, if not all, of your bad decisions and the strain you put on the family, I know you are, and I guess I feel bad being mad at you when I know that you are sorry. What is unfortunate, is that you really can't make it up to us now.

I have been meaning to get on here and tell you about the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. It was fabulous! You would have enjoyed it. Aaron and I are taking mom next year. SO EXCITED. 

HAve to get my day started now daddy! I love you!!! 

Dear Dad (#8)

Hey there papa!

Well, it's finally November. So glad to see October end! This has been the longest month ever.... it's been a month? WOW! I can't believe it. Time has managed to lose it's definition of late. The days run together and the hours drag on. it's painful how slow the days seem at times. While I am always dreading the passing of time, and wish things would slow down, this is not what I imagined. The work week drags, but the weekends are a blur. Could you please do something about that?!? HA HA!!

So I got to marry a couple on Sunday. It was so nice and special. I was so flattered to be apart of their special day. They are such a cute family now!

Next week I will be on vacation...much needed. I haven't stopped. I am soooo excited. Aaron and I and some friends are going to Disney, again, this Saturday and Sunday. We are mainly going for the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival. I am so looking forward to sampling some of the yummy foods. I was so hoping that this was something I would have been able to share with you at some point. I think you and mom would enjoy it. We will scope it out this year and try to take mom next year. Meanwhile, the prices for Disney have gotten SO expensive... can you do something about that too please?!? hee hee 

So, lately there have been days when I can't hear your voice or see your face like I was able to at first. That scares me. I don't want to forget you, ever, but especially not now...it's too soon. At times it seems like I am trying too hard and maybe that is why I can't remember. I have told mom that same thing. I also feel like I haven't grieved for you yet. I keep waiting and expecting this moment to just hit me and I will actually start "feeling" that you have left us. The truth is that I haven't cried much. I cried in your hospital room as I watched you take your last breath and then when we all consoled each other, but since then, not too much. It's bothering me. I know that people grieve differently but frankly I don't like the way I do it. I do get emotional when I write things and/or say them out loud. Then it becomes more real. I have this memory of how I felt after you lost your left leg...I remember how guilty I felt with every step that I took, because you wouldn't be able to do that again. Now I have that some feeling when I do things that you are no longer able to do, or do things that you will never get to do. There is so much you missed out on...the cruise, being able to walk again, being pain free.... That right there kills me... you were out of pain and you didn't get to enjoy it. That breaks my heart! I know how much pain you were in and I know you aren't in any pain now, but you aren't here to live and experience life. 

I can't get this feeling that you are in the hospital to waiver. Whenever I think of you, I just think, "Oh he is in the hospital...". But I haven't called you or visited you... I did find a visitors sticker on a notebook of mine from this last trip to the hospital....I so wish there was a way I could turn back time and tell you all the things I feel like saying. But I can't. There are no time machines. I can't go back and try to fix you. 

I miss hearing your voice on the phone when I call the house. It's like I expect it at times. It's strange. And lately when I go over there, I keep wanting to ask mom where you are... I have to catch myself, because it's ALWAYS on the tip of my tongue.  

I feel like I could go on and on today, but I need to get some work done. 

I LOVE AND MISS YOU BUNCHES!
Alicia

Dear Dad (#7)

Morning Dad! 

Well yesterday was a weird day. Mom had a rough morning...she said she wasn't sure what started it, but I felt bad. Then she had to go to work and deal with Mr. Pleasant himself... OY! 

So Tuesday night I took a Super B complex vitamin and I think it made me a little wacky yesterday. I felt like I was on this high most of the day. Of course, when I would slow down or stop you would pop back into my head. Yesterday I was thinking about the last time I full on hugged you. I don't remember it. I remember half hugging you when we found out they were going to take the left leg, but that's all I can remember out of the hospital. I am so craving a physical connection from you. I had music playing at work and some songs would come on and it would make me think how nice it would have been to dance with you. And I could even imagine it. Then I am reminded that we can't dance together, ever again. You are gone now and I have been robbed. I was so waiting and hoping and praying that you would give me away. And I was so looking forward to dancing with you at my wedding. It would have meant so much to me and I know it would have meant a lot to you. After EVERYTHING you had been through, we had been through, it would have been such an awesome moment. I know you will be there with me... in spirit, but I am selfish and would prefer to have you here in person. 

It angers me that I was robbed, that you were robbed, that we, this family was robbed. There were so many more memories to create with you.... The holidays are coming and they are drenched with bittersweetness. I so love this time of the year, but now it will hold a different emotion, a different sensation about it. It will drip with longing and regrets. It will be a jovial time, of course, but we will always have you in our hearts and minds wishing that you were there too, to enjoy the festivities and be with the family. 

Okay... I think that is all I have in me for now... I shall return! 

Love,

Alicia

Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest" (dear dad #6)

So dad, this is a rock song that makes me think of you. The lyrics struck me and I have always thought of you whenever I heard this song. It is one of my favorites. I truly believe that the lyrics are something you would say if you knew how to say it....

"Leave Out All The Rest"

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shed but I made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

I truly believe that each of us, people in general, are flawed. We are not perfect. But when our time comes it's not important to focus on all of the bad things we may have done.... it's important to focus on the good things and the positive memories and remember that no matter what, good or bad, people deserve to be loved and accepted.

I love you dad and miss you EVERYDAY!!!! 

love,

alicia

dear dad (#5)

hey papa. 

so phil and i went to barnes and noble Saturday and then i went to borders and was looking at some books on grieving for children who have lost parents. it was interesting some of the things that the book was saying and how accurate it was. the book said that children look at parents as being immortal. Once one of them dies it makes you realize your own mortality. It's so true, so accurate. I have always known that people die, but it's one of those things that you think happens to other people, not to me, not to us! And now it has happened, and I can't understand it. There is such disbelief.... I can't grasp it.... mom can't grasp it.... it isn't real. We keep expecting you to just show up in the house, to just scoot by on your chair.... it's just surreal that you aren't here. Your presence is felt so much stronger for me at the house. If I am not there, then I don't "feel" you around. When I am at my house I seem to not think about it as much, but then I do and it feels like a dream. When I go to mom's the reality smacks me in the face. It's so hard... so mind boggling. I look at pictures of you and think to myself that it can't be true... you are right there in the picture, and it wasn't that long ago, how can you be there one minute and gone the next. I do not understand. 


Now more then ever I wish there was a rewind button so that I could see you again... and hug you! 


love you papa!
Alicia

Dead Dad (#4)

Good Afternoon! :) 

Well, for some reason I had a hard day yesterday. Nothing outwardly affected me, but my brain started it all. 

Lately, for obvious reasons, I have been reliving the last time I had any alone time with you. It was the Saturday before you passed away. I came to visit for a little while before going out with Aaron to North Port, to look at that house, remember? I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember talking about your stumps. I remember you telling me something about your left stump but I am not sure what it was exactly. I remember asking you if it was shorter then you expected, so you may have told me that you saw it or talked to Nestor about it, I wish I knew... Anyway, when I asked you that question, you reached down to both stumps, one hand on each, and said "no one expects this" and you teared up. I remember moving the table out of the way to come closer to the bed and putting my hand on your arm and apologizing and crying with you! No matter what has happened, no one deserves to lose both of their legs... Yes you made mistakes, but who hasn't? 

What's eerie is that I can see your face from that day so clearly. It's like I can reach out and touch it. But I can't.... 

I remember you telling me that I looked good that day, and I happen to remember what I was wearing... a purple shirt and a black skirt. (I am so weird) 

Sadly this was the same day that I had my little panic attack and almost fainted after they changed your bandage. EEP! That is not something that I want to relive. Mom came up shortly after and we chatted for a bit, but I was running late and had to head out. I am so sorry I didn't stay longer. I wish that I would have known in some way that was going to be the last time I could really talk to you. There is SO much I would have said. So much....

Hopefully I will be able to do that here a little bit as much as I can. As crazy as it sounds doing this helps me... it gets it out and I feel like I can grieve more. I need to grieve, because I feel like I am holding it all in and like I will just blow up one day. 

love and miss you every day!!! 

your daughter
:)

Dear Dad (#3)

Today is your birthday. It was weird not having a cake or anything.... 

I took the day off today from work so I could spend time with mom, I knew it would be a hard day. All the family is gone and after all it's your birthday, and well you aren't here. We ran errands, she got her passport (YAY!!!) and had lunch with Phil and Aaron. We went to the hospital today too. That was weird.... Going there, not to visit you, but to drop off flowers from your service to the nurses at the 4th floor nurses station. It was so weird. So surreal... I haven't stepped foot in that hospital since you passed away. Mom had to tell the Mackenzie's, who volunteer at Doctor's Hospital, about your passing. That was hard. They shared with us a story from their recent trip out west. The Mackenzie's went to a hot air balloon trip and were confronted about why it is that they volunteer at the hospital, and they proceeded to tell these people about you!! You are the reason that they volunteer... so sweet and nice to hear.

Everyone came over for dinner tonight. It's so nice to have everyone here....wish you and Charles could have been here and that would have made it complete. 

Needless to say from now on, every year on your birthday it's going to be odd to not celebrate your birthday. I would like to come up with some sort of tradition that we do for you on your birthday with mom and the family. We'll see.... 

I know you know this, but I love you and miss you lots and lots!! 

Love,

Alicia

Dear Dad (#2)

Good Morning! 

Well Aaron and I went and looked at that house in North Port yesterday. It's a nice house. Good size and a lot of potential. I just wish it wasn't so far from everyone, especially now. I think you and mom would like it. I would like to take mom down there for her to see it, but I am torn about the idea of moving that far away now. It's harder to even think about being that far away from her and everyone. While I would hate for the house to slip through our fingers I can't help but feel not moving right now is the best thing to do. It's not about the money, it's about family. I mean it's only 45 mins or so away, but right now that feels like an eternity. The area is great. It's up and coming and has so much potential. We are close to 2 sets of couple friends, so that would be nice. But .... how do I move away right now? Not to mention that I don't love my job enough to commute.... and what sense does it make to move down there when so much of our life is still here in Sarasota? I don't know what the right thing is to do. I wish you could have seen the house. I think you would have liked it. It was hard walking through there yesterday and not thinking of all of these things that I would have asked you about the structure and the kitchen and all that... I am sad that I won't get to share the experience of my first house with you. I know you would have enjoyed it. I am sure you are watching over me though and will have a guiding hand when the time is right. 

I love you papa and miss you everyday!! <3

Dear Dad (#1)

I started this blog as a way to talk to you. To tell you that I miss you and love you. Though you have been gone only a short while, it feels like an eternity. I can't believe that you are no longer here and that we won't get to hear your voice, crack up at your inappropriate albeit hilarious jokes, get a hug (because when you hugged someone, they knew it!) or just be in your presence. You made light of things you were dealing with and always tried to make people smile and laugh. Not a day will go by that I will not think of you and wish that we had more time. 

I love you and miss you bunches papa!!! 

Love, Alicia