Well honey,
It is me again, I am missing you so much, I have had company all week and it was nice and I would go out and just feel like I needed to tell you about it but you are not there. Like tonight I went to St. Armand's Circle and it was for Halloween and it was very nice. SHS did a take-off of "Thriller" and they did a pretty nice job, but you were not here to tell about it, as you usually are I cannot believe it yet
Jamie is coming tomorrow and I know how much you would have loved to see him and Anita and visit with them, so I am feeling kind of guilty about it. Feeling like I should not be visiting because you are not here. You left me and I am angry with you and so disappointed with how you did it. So quickly, so fast!!I really never saw it coming.

I hope you are at peace and with all your friends, more of them there than here. You are free at last!! Watch over the kids and help them get through this. They are having a hard time and I hope you will help me too. I am really having a hard time and am sometimes numb. Also help Philip get some sleep tonight he needs his rest. Help Jan also .

Good night honey,
Love me

Waking Me Up

Hey Pal. I know I am not waking you up, but you sure do that at times. There are nights when I can sleep all the way through, which is fine. And then there are days like tonight when you pop in my head and I cannot go back to sleep. Actually tonight I probably could, I am that tired. But I wanted to type to you this time.

You know, sitting at your house tonight, I just had the image of you coming around the corner in the cart. I haven't gotten a call from you of late or a racy email, and it feels so strange.

You left us too early dad. There are going to be so many times in the future, when we reflect back on our time with you and know we hadn't done enough with you or for you; you know to help you solve your physical and emotional problems. There was so much more we needed to do dad. So much more too talk about. I am sorry I didn't do as much with you as I should have. Sorry I didn't come over and just watch a movie with you. I am sorry I didn't come and take you out of the house for rides from time to time. I am sorry I didn't call that much. I am sorry I didn't see you that much your last days in the hospital. So therefore, I am sorry for making you hurt, because you knew all of this. That seems to be my mode at times dad; to see missed opportunities right when they become missed opportunities.

Love you pal and do miss you. Keep looking out for mom from your new perch.

Phil

gum

So I was enjoying a piece of gum yesterday and as I was blowing bubbles and "cracking" my gum, I was reminded how much you LOVED when we used to do that.... and I instinctively would stop... Ha ha!!! Every crack of my gum will remind me of you, random tidbit for the day! 

Love you pops!

Dear Dad (#7)

Morning Dad! 

Well yesterday was a weird day. Mom had a rough morning...she said she wasn't sure what started it, but I felt bad. Then she had to go to work and deal with Mr. Pleasant himself... OY! 

So Tuesday night I took a Super B complex vitamin and I think it made me a little wacky yesterday. I felt like I was on this high most of the day. Of course, when I would slow down or stop you would pop back into my head. Yesterday I was thinking about the last time I full on hugged you. I don't remember it. I remember half hugging you when we found out they were going to take the left leg, but that's all I can remember out of the hospital. I am so craving a physical connection from you. I had music playing at work and some songs would come on and it would make me think how nice it would have been to dance with you. And I could even imagine it. Then I am reminded that we can't dance together, ever again. You are gone now and I have been robbed. I was so waiting and hoping and praying that you would give me away. And I was so looking forward to dancing with you at my wedding. It would have meant so much to me and I know it would have meant a lot to you. After EVERYTHING you had been through, we had been through, it would have been such an awesome moment. I know you will be there with me... in spirit, but I am selfish and would prefer to have you here in person. 

It angers me that I was robbed, that you were robbed, that we, this family was robbed. There were so many more memories to create with you.... The holidays are coming and they are drenched with bittersweetness. I so love this time of the year, but now it will hold a different emotion, a different sensation about it. It will drip with longing and regrets. It will be a jovial time, of course, but we will always have you in our hearts and minds wishing that you were there too, to enjoy the festivities and be with the family. 

Okay... I think that is all I have in me for now... I shall return! 

Love,

Alicia

Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest" (dear dad #6)

So dad, this is a rock song that makes me think of you. The lyrics struck me and I have always thought of you whenever I heard this song. It is one of my favorites. I truly believe that the lyrics are something you would say if you knew how to say it....

"Leave Out All The Rest"

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shed but I made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

[End Chorus]

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

[Chorus]

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Forgetting

All the hurt inside

You've learned to hide so well

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

I truly believe that each of us, people in general, are flawed. We are not perfect. But when our time comes it's not important to focus on all of the bad things we may have done.... it's important to focus on the good things and the positive memories and remember that no matter what, good or bad, people deserve to be loved and accepted.

I love you dad and miss you EVERYDAY!!!! 

love,

alicia

dear dad (#5)

hey papa. 

so phil and i went to barnes and noble Saturday and then i went to borders and was looking at some books on grieving for children who have lost parents. it was interesting some of the things that the book was saying and how accurate it was. the book said that children look at parents as being immortal. Once one of them dies it makes you realize your own mortality. It's so true, so accurate. I have always known that people die, but it's one of those things that you think happens to other people, not to me, not to us! And now it has happened, and I can't understand it. There is such disbelief.... I can't grasp it.... mom can't grasp it.... it isn't real. We keep expecting you to just show up in the house, to just scoot by on your chair.... it's just surreal that you aren't here. Your presence is felt so much stronger for me at the house. If I am not there, then I don't "feel" you around. When I am at my house I seem to not think about it as much, but then I do and it feels like a dream. When I go to mom's the reality smacks me in the face. It's so hard... so mind boggling. I look at pictures of you and think to myself that it can't be true... you are right there in the picture, and it wasn't that long ago, how can you be there one minute and gone the next. I do not understand. 


Now more then ever I wish there was a rewind button so that I could see you again... and hug you! 


love you papa!
Alicia

Hey honey this is new for me so bear with me. I am missing you so much. Some days I cannot see your face and others I just want to hear your voice so bad. I hope that it was nothing that I did that ended your time here on earth. I really tried to help and to take good care of you, but now I sit and wonder if there was something that I could have done differently. Did I miss something, Not see something, but then I think I had you to every doctor in the month of September.
Oh well Frani is here this week and it has been rough. Do not know if it is me or just the time. My emotions are all over the place. I sometimes feel that I am not mourning enough and others I just want to sit and cry. I still am waiting for a phone call at some point during the day. I am still waiting to see you in the drive way. I just feel like it is a dream and I will wake up and you will be there, Please help me and the kids to get through this nightmare that we are going through. I love and miss you and wish I had been a more affectionate wife to you. I tried in other ways to show I loved you and I hope you know that.
I love you and your wit and all your effort to make me smile/laugh. You got such a kick out of that. I just cannot pfantom the rest of my life without YOU!!
Love Me