our dance

daddy:

I was so looking forward to dancing with you to this song at my wedding. 

when that day comes, you will be with me. each step i take on the dance floor, you will be there. 

i love and miss you.

me

Father's Day

Hey dad. Happy Father's Day. Well, today is the our first father's day without you around. And as we get closer to going to mom's for dinner, the more real the void becomes. I wonder if the pain I feel when I think of you, is that I am not sure we ever really established the type of relationship I wanted to have with my dad. Granted, I now know the mistake I made of not capitalizing on the type of relationship we could have had. We could have sat and watched movies together, football, golf, game shows or just watched anything that came on. Simply, you would watch anything that came on TV. And as each passes by, I know I also missed an opportunity to be with you in some way; I missed an opportunity to develop a better relationship; I missed an opportunity to get to know you better; essentially, I just missed out.

It is at time painful moving forward knowing I cannot get a second chance with you. It does hurt, when I do think about it.

i am actually editing this post, almost 6 weeks later, so i am not sure how I was feeling at that moment when I first start this dad. But i do know, there are many times of late, when I think of you and not in the negative frustrating ways I have. But in the way I could have thought of you--my dad. The man responsible for bringing me into this world, whose has a past and had a life, both I wish I knew more about.

Take care dad. Love you Pal.

there is so much i wish i could remember. i wish i could remember the last thing you said more clearly.  your words are there but they are not clear and not in the right order. i wish i could remember all your advice. i have been trying so hard to remember what you would say to me about things and i can't grab onto anything. i remember you telling me how proud you are of me for losing the weight, i remember you calling me the week before you died asking me to call you more, i remember arriving at your bed side in the hospital that fateful morning and you calling me babe for the last time... i remember the moment you took your last breath and i remember giving you a kiss goodbye. why can i only remember the painful things right now? why can't i remember the more positive and fun things? things we did together, places we went or conversations we had... i feel so robbed of memories. 

i remember how the world felt different that morning as well left the hospital... without you. i remember going through the motions and crying when i would drive home. i remember sitting at the dining room table making decisions about your obituary and your final resting place. i remember arranging for your service, picking out your favorite music, songs that meant something to you and mom... i remember countless tears mom left on my shoulder when she just needed to cry... i remember sharing thoughts and feelings and ugly truths... 

what i wouldn't give to remember a childhood memory of you and me. 

it breaks my heart that i have no real pictures of us together. it breaks my heart more, that i thought that was normal. i listen to friends talk about their memories of their fathers and i feel robbed. i was robbed of memories, of experiences with you. not just now, but from my childhood. i will never understand why we weren't put first... 

i am disappointed that things weren't different. i am disappointed that you didn't think enough about your future, mom's future, and your children's future to take better care of yourself. as i learn more and more about the health issues that i have, the more i learn about yours too. and the more frustrated i get that you didn't take better care of yourself. you could have prevented this untimely mess that you have left us to deal with. you could have prevented making mom a widow and your kids members of the dead dad club. i don't know how you didn't think enough of us to not do that... why weren't we worth it? we should have been enough of a reason for you to better yourself... for your to care about what happened to you and what happened to your body. you didn't think and that is so frustrating because you were a smart man. 

despite your flaws... i will always love you. you are my father, flaws and all. i have learned from you and i am here because of you.

i love you and miss you terribly daddy.

Today marks 8 months. Eight months of missed memories. Eight months of missing your laugh, your advice, the sound of your voice and the warmth of your hugs. As time goes on you get further away but I cling desperately to the lingering memories of your hearty laugh. Now that Aaron and I are doing so much around the house I really wish I could channel you. There is so much we could learn from you!

I miss you and love you lots Papa Bear!! xoxo

i am feeling you a lot lately.
you are always with me.
i think it's slowly sinking in that you are gone and you aren't coming back.
i need to cry but for some reason i just can't. i get the tears in my eyes but i can't let down this wall enough to let them loose.
i so long to hear your voice, your laughter

happy easter daddy! missing you a lot lately... not that i don't miss you everyday, it just seems like I am missing you more lately. 

So ... I am sure tommy lillo is with you now. susie is having a hard time. her aunt candy told her to suck it up and stop crying... bitch! his service is next saturday with a luncheon following at the rendezvous lounge... kind of tacky if you ask me. the man was an alcoholic... it was kind of crass of them to suggest having the luncheon there. susan and patty aren't planning on staying there long. maybe go for a few minutes and then leave. who would want to go there to mourn their father anyway. 

i had to call her after he passed and that was hard for me. it was selfish reasons that i put it off. i didn't know what to say to her and it's still so fresh in my mind, the idea that you aren't here. i was glad that i could offer her some comfort and let her know that she isn't alone. her phone call brought so much back to me. the memory of the doctor telling us that it was a matter of time and that feeling i had of fear and panic and wondering what on earth was going to happen to me once you left us. it's a hopeless and powerless feeling. nothing anyone could have done would have changed the outcome of that day. we had to just accept it and move on. there are so many days when i think i have a handle on your death, but deep down I really don't. i still think you are alive and i still expect to see you when i go and visit. it's easy to forget sometimes because towards the end you spent so much time in bed, sleeping because you were in so much pain. i wish that i had more memories of you and i to comfort me... right now I am at a loss. i hear your voice when i am cooking most of the time... today as a matter of fact while I was cooking a sweet potato casserole, i could hear you telling me to clean as I go ... so i put things in the sink while i work and rinse and sponge off what i can. 

i am going back to school. elementary education... pretty certain of it... applied for financial aid and was declined... guess I make too much money. need to get some prerequisites done and then i can move ahead with focusing on the core classes for the degree. phil has been trying to get me to do this for years, i should have listened to him... don't tell him i said that though. haha!

FINALLY watched The Godfather last week. I could so feel you and see you in that movie. it was insane. i wish that we could have watched it together. we are going to watch the trilogy and then for the third one i am going to make an italian style type dinner. really looking forward to it. i would love to get the red and white checkered tablecloth and some of those wine bottle's wrapped with the twine for candle holders and make a big deal about it. i don't know why and i am sure aaron will tease me but that is ok. 

aaron almost *THIS CLOSE* has a job with Ambitrans. it's not the sarasota county fire department but it would allow him to use his medic training and he can still volunteer with the fire department so it is the best of both worlds. keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to get too excited. 

mom is taking her CNA test May 2nd. Please help her and bring her peace. she is trying to hard... you would be proud of her. I am!

i think i have caught you up. going to go now and finish getting ready for our fun filled easter day. 

love and miss you soooo much daddy!

mom gave me a golf towel that she found in your high boy... it smells like you. sometimes when i am thinking about you, i take a whiff and i feel like you are closer to me. i still think we are all in a stage of shock. it's weird. some days when i go to mom's i KNOW that you aren't going to be there, but there are other days when i am expecting you to be there. it's the strangest thing. i see a lot of people in those electronic chairs and ask myself why they are here and you are not. i see people with one leg, and wonder why they are here and you are not. it's not fair. you left before you should have. i feel like a broken record, but i have nothing new... it feels the same almost everyday. i keep wondering why... and that it wasn't fair. 

i am so grateful that i was able to be with you in your final moments. it's something that I will always cherish. you were there for my first breaths and I was there for your final ones. it's a sort of completion of a cycle in some way. I remember kissing you goodbye on your head and knowing that i would never get to do that again. I remember embracing mom and that gut wrenching feeling that none of us were prepared for the next part... dealing with the aftermath of your death. what you left behind was a mighty wake. a wake that will pass at it's own pace... in it's own way... on it's own time. 

we love and miss you dad! 

please watch over us and keep us safe!